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Mardy
10-20-2004, 06:08 AM
I scratched this down pretty fast while somebody was giving an uninteresting monologue.

Every time I awake
I'm sure she'll be there
When I reach out
I only touch a dream

And I'll be asking
"Is the love for me now gone?
Do I have to sleep again?"
As I remain to be a friend

We were dancing, and kissing
What a way to be seen
Thunder and lightning crowned you to a queen
But struck me to a ghost and a fool

the wind then played the violin
in D-minor as I recall
but I have lost my sight and hearing
dreaming about your whisper

thedeadwalk!
10-20-2004, 09:34 AM
replace the last line.

other than that, you've got quite a moving piece there. add more to it, and you've got a love ballad, good job. 9/10.

Mardy
10-20-2004, 09:45 AM
great, thanks!
How's that last line now?

thedeadwalk!
10-20-2004, 04:29 PM
better. just maybe a different word than gloomy. doesn't fit well with the rest of the song. perhaps something relating more so to november, something dealing with the cold, but with sad undertones.

choosing the right words for parts can get across the most beautiful images. robert frost does a great job of using words describing environments and emotions.

Mardy
10-21-2004, 02:37 PM
now?

thedeadwalk!
10-21-2004, 02:47 PM
try using something that refers to the third line, like being deaf or blind and how you can't hear the wind anymore or see her/the future/the present/whatever.

Mardy
10-21-2004, 02:52 PM
ok, I've changed it again to "dreaming about your whisper"
but what about "in this dour, november fall"

thedeadwalk!
10-21-2004, 04:52 PM
i like this one the best so far. but, all i can do is give you advice, in the end you've got to go with what you like.

Crowley5150
10-21-2004, 05:28 PM
I missed all the edits of the last line but I quite like it.... Would need some structuring and repeating of a hook of some kind when set to music, maybe another verse lyrically in there..... The one thing that struck me as odd, either in its phrasing or its grammar is the opening line. It seems like it should be "Every time I wake"......

But thats also taking into consideration, when set to music, punctuation and grammar mean little so long as the phrasings work. Hell.... one of my all time favourite songs is Top of The World by The Wildhearts and the main chorus line is "You don't get no view like you do from the top of the world" which really, sounds very dicky when you say it, but in the song works a treat.


What style of music did you envision for it ?



Chris

Mardy
10-22-2004, 02:25 AM
Thanks thedeadwalk

Crowley:
You're probably right, since I'm not english, so grammar errors are not uncommon for me lol
the other lines were:
"In this I call 'my fall"
"In this gloomy november fall"

I was planning something Tom Waits-ballad-esque stuff

Mardy
10-29-2004, 03:21 PM
*bump*
sorry