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MisterXIsSilent
10-19-2004, 09:17 PM
This song is a song about someone going insane and is trapped in his own mind...

Im on a joruney to the deep end
One filled with solitude and sleep
I only ever needed one friend
But no one quite accepted me
Im on a mission to ivade this
Is it me or another test
I cant go on living effortless
Theres nothing more, nothing less

Chorus:
So many days have passed
where I wished the next wouldnt come
My life is changing fast
and I dont like what Iv become

And as I watch the sun
dip below the sky
I watch the night come out
I watch my life pass by
What have I dont
What have I become
So many years have passed
they were all for none

Chorus

Interlude:
Now my hearts beating faster then ever
and my backs turned against the wall
I feel my life crumble beneath my feet
and I brace myself for the fall

Chorus
Solo

Verse 3:
Now Im stuck in my mind captured cell
some call this a living hell
But I call this a re-birth
I call this a new peace on earth
A new peace on earth (x4 JUST THAT LINE)

Chorus x2

It may seem long...and it is...lol...but the music really makes up for it I think I think this is one of my best...at least I hope

MisterXIsSilent
10-20-2004, 06:01 AM
Where are all the replies? Crit mine and I promise Ill crit yours

Metal G
10-20-2004, 10:12 AM
Yeah dude thats pretty good :thumb:

darkslide
10-20-2004, 06:50 PM
Im on a joruney to the deep end
One filled with solitude and sleep
I only ever needed one friend
But no one quite accepted me
Im on a mission to ivade this
Is it me or another test
I cant go on living effortless
Theres nothing more, nothing less

What are you on a mission to invade? I couldn't figure that out. Are you invading your own mind? If so, Why? What is the deep end? You could elaborate on that later in the song.


Chorus:
So many days have passed
where I wished the next wouldnt come
My life is changing fast
and I dont like what Iv become

You should probably add a little more here, It's short and sweet but if you are repeating it later, you may need to add something more to capture the audience, to make them feel some kind of anguish along with you. This will be important since you are ending on a 2x repeated chorus.


And as I watch the sun
dip below the sky
I watch the night come out
I watch my life pass by
What have I done
What have I become
So many years have passed
they were all for none

I like the questioning of the worth of life, reflection on the past is a great emotion grabber. "They were all for none" sounds a little strange, but at the same time it fits.... i couldn't come up with any better. so forget this critique.


Interlude:
Now my hearts beating faster then ever
and my backs turned against the wall
I feel my life crumble beneath my feet
and I brace myself for the fall

This is good. I like it... I'll leave it alone.


Verse 3:
Now Im stuck in my mind captured cell
some call this a living hell
But I call this a re-birth
I call this a new peace on earth
A new peace on earth (x4 JUST THAT LINE)

I don't like the last line being repeated, but I may be imagining the voice wrong. And I think you should end on this if you do not add to the chorus. Because calling you being trapped peace on earth leaves somewhat of an ironic end. And the chorus saying "I don't like what I have become" after this last like says you have a new peace on earth cancels out what you have reached in your journey.

B|B+

-=Hopesfall=-
10-20-2004, 11:29 PM
its nicely written if I must say, an alright flow, but I just dont dig the overall cheesy feeling I get from it. sorry dude.

MisterXIsSilent
10-21-2004, 02:32 PM
Sorry I had a mistake, its not ivade, is EVADE, like trying to avoid this your trying deperately to avoid insanity, and the last verse means that he has come to accept his insanity, its a persons journey through his mind, thats why theres no chorus after the last verse because that wraps things up...the deep end is like a metaphor, like "your going off the deep end" like your crazy

MisterXIsSilent
10-21-2004, 02:49 PM
More replies? Cmon give me my crits! lol ill crit yours just put the name of the song