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funkywhiteboy
10-19-2004, 07:38 PM
A friend of mine and I collaborated on this.. he got the chorus and I did the verses. Be harsh-- here goes.

The sun shined but my sky was all grey,
when I walked down that cold hallway,
to meet you,
to hear you say,
those dreadful words that still burn my memory.

*chorus*
I wish you could,
put your ear up to my heart,
and hear,
how much,
I love you.
*end chorus*

*verse 2*
I still dream about that fateful hour,
when my world collapsed,
and the universe divided.

*2nd chorus, outro instrumental etc etc*
For once I wish you could,
put your ear up to my heart,
and hear,
just how much,
I love you.

Remember folks.. be harsh.

Metal G
10-20-2004, 09:48 AM
ok, its a bit short, repetitve and it slowly detiriates, i liked the start, try adding some more rhyming

funkywhiteboy
10-20-2004, 02:05 PM
well the purpose of it is to be very slow and instrumental-y.. thats why there's few words, it's not some hardcore metal song. think sad, depressing, but yet a love song

IOWNU200
10-20-2004, 02:19 PM
these lyrics are ok, nothing stand out, but nothing is horrible. I guess you're music can help set a better mood. It just seems like you don't hit anything strongly, with such few lyrics see if you can maybe look for something that will put people in awe.

TheGreatestView
10-21-2004, 08:41 PM
hey man whats up. when i first read it i thought it was kinda short and without a lot of content.. but after hearing you say that it was like more instrumentally and stuff or whatever, i liked it more because i could.. visual with my ears? i guess thats how ill phrase it. but anyways, for the type of song you're putting these words to i'd say it's not too bad, keep writing man.

shyguy1987
10-22-2004, 08:15 AM
I wish you could,
put your ear up to my heart,
and hear,
how much,
I love you.

I especially liked the chorus the most, but everything else was good too. It doesn't bother me that it is short even if it wasn't going to be slow.