(Lindsey and the Endless Wall of Alarm Clock)

[mshort813]

this is a lot darker than my other pieces, but I dont want it to be metal...hardcore or screamo maybe. leave a link or title to any of your songs you would like me to crit and i will gladly do it when i see the post.


Write these words on your wrists,
To cut out at a later day.
Hold the cutouts close for as long as you live,
And then you'll see how much I hate you.

A capillary red, a bloodless white,
Mix the two together and stare.
Now I know what it feels like to be you,
Except for the fact that you never cared.

[CHORUS]
I'll send your kiss,
Laced with hate.
An icy and senseless numbing,
Is enough to show that you're at loss.
I'll send your kiss,
Laced with hate.
An intently malicious glare,
Is the line a line when it's been crossed?

Thousands of times, I've looked at your body,
But never before have I had the thought,
That your personality's as fake as your chest.

So just lie there for awhile,
Let me take in the rest.
Becasue tragedy is the only realistic was to end a love story.

[CHORUS]
I'll send your kiss,
Laced with hate.
An icy and senseless numbing,
Is enough to show that you're at loss.
I'll send your kiss,
Laced with hate.
An intently malicious glare,
Is the line a line when it's been crossed?


i appreciate any crits i get. make sure to leave a song of yours for me to crit and i will do it as soon as i see the post. thanks.

[mshort813]

Oh Sweet!

[mshort813]

ok i jsut want at least one crit for this. im desperate so ill bump it one last time.

[Bexi]

Uhm before I say anythign, that line about persoanlity being as fake as the chest...it has to go dude...

Elsewehere...

the first verse didn't partic get my attention, but teh second was a much better verse imo..aside from the use iof the boviosu blood stuff, i liked the idea of almsot a pallet..mixing..i dunno..thats how i got it


CHORUS]
I'll send your kiss,
Laced with hate.--hm maybe use diff words for laced and hate...as what ya getting at has been gotten at before, try a new angle maybes ??
An icy and senseless numbing,
Is enough to show that you're at loss.
I'll send your kiss,
Laced with hate.
An intently malicious glare,
Is the line a line when it's been crossed?--liked teh ending...you seem to brign out the question of what exactly the lin is..was..and why its noe been crossed..theerfore..what ws it ?

[DoubtingVada]

That your personality's as fake as your chest.

Oh, dam.n! Deja-vu. That is *so* familiar, but I don't know why. This is going to drive me crazy ...

[mshort813]

nichelle, where have you been lately? you haven't posted in awhile.

[Shady Ultima]

I agree that that line really doesn't fit, even though it is funny. It makes you laugh, but it's at the same time pretty stupid. Other than that, it's rather cliche, but still pretty good. 6/10

[DoubtingVada]

nichelle, where have you been lately? you haven't posted in awhile.
I broke the computer, the rents took it away for a while.

But I've earned forgiveness after fixing it, so I'm back now. :p

[limemachine]

hello short!
you're a crazy mo'f'er !
Lindsey Train!

[mshort813]

...shut the hell up.