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Permanent Solution
10-18-2004, 06:03 PM
Bow in deference
Dread omnipotence
His fury shall spite
If ever shown slight

Rules run routines
Obey the laws of a loving god,
Or face the consequence of thought
He will smite the good along with the bad
Only look as far as the devotion he demands

Historical precedent, laid bare
All can see the hypocrisy here
Subjugation of the spirit is slavery
Regardless of whom it is subservient to
Slavish tendencies surrender power to the few

Control like clockwork
Function fueled by absurdity
When it comes back 'round
Who then, will be in your pitiful condition
The greatest irony that is your very own rendition

Circular logic controls
Run in circles to avoid vertigo
Feel, don't think, emotion rules
When it happens, don't regret a thing
He promised to raise you up on eagle's wings

Follow blind, it's what He wants
Unthinking masses are more effective
As if the gift of intelligence was a curse
Blindness is the greatest blessing of them all
Mute recognition, deaf comprehension, groveling crawl

Courtesy causes commotion
Who can be so good as to follow
The model of perfection, brought to earth
Presumption of greatness, mistaken declaration
Attempting to be right, so belief remains unshaken

Virtue is slavery
Living in humble piety
Hypocrisy at its best
Satanís modest guest

__________________________________________________ __
Ok, I really like this piece and think it is one of my best, so I am curious what you all think, itsa poem obviously. Please note I give great return crits, so there is no reason 27 people haven't left so much as a comment after reading this...;)

mutt
10-18-2004, 07:17 PM
Although I find the style this is written in very intrusive, and toe crunching, your word use is excellent, and powerful. It is a bit long winded though, but I don't have any suggestions on what to leave out, as there doesn't seem to be much redundancy.

A good piece, has a very descendents - all era sound to it (preachy/defiant)

My latest is :
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=253815
crits are appreciated.

xKONRADx
10-19-2004, 02:57 PM
Bow in deference
Fear the almighty
His wrath shall spite
Show off his might

Rules run routines
Obey the laws of a loving god,
Or face the consequence of thought
He will smite the good along with the bad
Only look as far as the devotion he demands

smite twice? otherwise looks really good.
EDIT: oh you said spite the first time. lol anway.. the rest still applies.

Historical precedent, laid bare
All can see the hypocrisy here
Subjugation of the spirit is slavery
Regardless of whom it is subservent to
Slavish tendencies surrender power to the few

wow. this one is really good. i think it may even outshine the earlier parts to where you may want to revise those.

Control like clockwork
Function fueled by idiocy
When it comes back 'round
Who then, will be at your pitiful state
The greatest irony that you helped to create

hmm

Circular logic controls
Run in circles to avoid vertigo
Feel, don't think, emotion rules
When it happens, don't regret a thing
He promised to raise you up on eagle's wings

still good

Follow blind, it's what He wants
Unthinking masses are more effective
As if the gift of intelligence was a curse
Blindness is the greatest blessing of them all
Mute recognition, deaf comprehension, groveling crawl

really like the thoughts behind this one

Courtesy causes commotion
Who can be so good as to follow
The model of perfection, brought to earth
Presumption of greatness, mistaken claim
Attempting to be right, always shift the blame

Virtue is slavery
Living in humble piety
Hypocrisy at its best
Satanís modest guest

over all i thought this may have been your best so far. i cant really complain about anything and there were definately some outstanding parts. cool.

Permanent Solution
10-19-2004, 03:01 PM
Haha, one was smite, one was spite...but yeah, thanks, that boosts my esteem a lot because I loved it too...so thanks...post something so I can crit back :p

Permanent Solution
10-19-2004, 09:23 PM
F-ing newbs...the least they could do is crit and not just post post post...
/rant

xKONRADx
10-19-2004, 11:51 PM
F-ing newbs...the least they could do is crit and not just post post post...
/rant
isnt it ironic, dont ya think?

Permanent Solution
10-20-2004, 02:32 PM
By post I mean create threads, and I have over a month here now :p

DoubtingVada
10-20-2004, 06:45 PM
Okay Zeppi, here we go. I'll do the best I can ...

Right off, I do not like songs about religion or politics. Obviously, this falls under category A, and so it doesn't sit too well with me. Let's see how you did, anyway ...


Fear the almighty
His wrath shall spite
Show off his might

I don't like this. At all. Sorry, but it's just soooo predictable and clichť ... I got nothing out of it. I especially don't like the rhyming of 'spite' with 'might' because it just seems ... well, not very well thought out. It's almost as if you took any random word and threw in a poorly constructed sentence for rhyme's sake ...

Worst part of the song. It gets much better after this.


Rules run routines
Obey the laws of a loving god,
Or face the consequence of thought
He will smite the good along with the bad
Only look as far as the devotion he demands

Okay. Hmmm ... I see nothing in this, it's just words to me. not because of the skill behind the writing, but toward my feelings toward this topic in general. To me, this is just a few average space-filling lines taken from various songs about the same subject. Every song ever written about relegion seems to run along the same lines as this one.


Historical precedent, laid bare
All can see the hypocrisy here
Subjugation of the spirit is slavery
Regardless of whom it is subservent to
Slavish tendencies surrender power to the few

Props to you for the use of 'precedent' 'subjugation' and 'subservent' I am impressed, Zeppi. I like this stanza much, much more. The rhyming is sufficently subtle, the words are woven into a more unique pattern, and the imagery is brilliant. This is most excellent.


Control like clockwork
Function fueled by idiocy
When it comes back 'round
Who then, will be at your pitiful state
The greatest irony that you helped to create

I would remove the word 'idiocy' because it seems a little juvenile and out of place here. Do you know what I mean? I hope so, because I don't really understand what I'm talking about myself. Anyway, 'State' and 'Create' = blah. I don't like this stanza either, because of the vagueness and mediochre standard of each line by itself. After a while they all blur together and grunge up the good lines that you did use. Know what I mean?


Circular logic controls
Run in circles to avoid vertigo
Feel, don't think, emotion rules
When it happens, don't regret a thing
He promised to raise you up on eagle's wings

First two lines = :thumb:
Rest of it .... not so much. I don't approve of the rhyming in the last two lines. Most likely I'm not liking this song only because of the subject, which is boring to me. I know that isn't fair for me to do, but I can't help it. It's hard to read through something that you aren't interested in.


Follow blind, it's what He wants
Unthinking masses are more effective
As if the gift of intelligence was a curse
Blindness is the greatest blessing of them all
Mute recognition, deaf comprehension, groveling crawl

... okay, so this is more interesting. At first I thought 'unthinking' said 'unblinking' and I thought that would be pretty cool, but your way works too. I like the last line, and imo, this is the second best part of the song so far. I already told you what I thought the best part was ^^


Courtesy causes commotion
Who can be so good as to follow
The model of perfection, brought to earth
Presumption of greatness, mistaken claim
Attempting to be right, always shift the blame

Claim, blame .... Zepppiiii noooo. Stop the rhyming. It's cruel and unusual, and makes me cry. Other than that, though, I like the first line alot. That was pretty clever ... so was 'presumption of greatness'

Virtue is slavery
Living in humble piety
Hypocrisy at its best
Satanís modest guest

Yes, virtue! Piety! Hypocrisy! Modest!
I like these words, Zeppi. I like this part, quite alot. I believe that is all I can say about this ... other than the fact that I do *not* like the use of the name 'Satan'

Zep ... this *is* pretty well written, I'll give you that. But I don't think it's my favorite of all your work ... I just really, *really* don't like songs of this kind. You understand, right?

This was the best crit I could come up with, I hope it's good enough :)

Permanent Solution
10-21-2004, 03:12 PM
Edited to be more awesome...I hope.

Jezen
10-21-2004, 11:43 PM
I really liked it. It gave me the same sort of message as opiate by Tool. Which is one of my favourite songs lyrically. You had awesome wording and imagery. I loved the line: "Control like clockwork" . I dont know why I just really liked it. 9/10
Post #300 ! :D :D :D

Fast Fingerz
10-23-2004, 09:18 AM
I like your song-I wish I knew what beat it was or key on the guitar I picture drop D-maybe not- but anyway- I think you use to big of words in the first verse although the rest of the song reaches out and grabs you-To me a good song is one you can sing in your head.
and:
Bow in deference
Dread omnipotence
His fury shall spite
If ever shown slight

dosent really make me want to sing this song over again but the rest of the song IMO is a good one-I give you 6.5/10

Permanent Solution
10-23-2004, 04:37 PM
I like your song-I wish I knew what beat it was or key on the guitar I picture drop D-maybe not- but anyway- I think you use to big of words in the first verse although the rest of the song reaches out and grabs you-To me a good song is one you can sing in your head.
and:
Bow in deference
Dread omnipotence
His fury shall spite
If ever shown slight

dosent really make me want to sing this song over again but the rest of the song IMO is a good one-I give you 6.5/10
Haha, well thanks for the crit bro, only thing is that itsa poem, not a song, so I dunno if that makes it better or worse, but thanks for the crit :)

Shady Ultima
10-23-2004, 05:39 PM
I'm sorry Zep, although it is very well written, I believe in God, and this song is very against my beliefs. I think that songs/poems that deal with religion are very controversial because that is a huge area that has issues, due to is there a god etc. I don't think religion is bad, because it often can be good, its just all corrupted. I think it is well done for it's type, but I can't really relate to it. So, I won't rate it, as the rating would therefore be biased.

Permanent Solution
10-23-2004, 06:16 PM
As fair a crit as I could get. I agree this is very controversial, so hopefully that won't affect its credibility when I submit it for possible publishing :/...I guess I am just looking for the things you gave me though...that it is well-written and such. Thank you for your time :)

Fast Fingerz
10-24-2004, 08:43 AM
Well then that changes every thing as a poem I like it-It shows a semi-light and dark side-Ill bump the rating to 8.5/10 I enjoyed it, and the big words do fit now--lol
sorry about that zepp- you know i was trying to sing your poem to get a feel for it--haha

crit me please
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=255518

guitarist532
10-24-2004, 09:19 AM
Rules run routines
Obey the laws of a loving god,
Or face the consequence of thought
He will smite the good along with the bad
Only look as far as the devotion he demands

The poems message is very unclear , it seems like useless words , explain your thoughts behind , what where you trying to portray? :confused:

Permanent Solution
10-24-2004, 01:05 PM
I thought it was a pretty lucid piece myself, and rather straight forward...I never like to describe everything I meant in parts of a song, as it loses some of its mystique when I explain exactly what I meant, but it is an anti-religion piece...That section is really clear, I don't understand why you have questions about it. Again, I leave all my work up to your interpretation as is anyways.