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mshort813
10-17-2004, 12:19 AM
if you want me to crit anything, post a link or the title. ill crit it as soon as i see the post.

Fight your own battles,
And drink the glass bottles.
But they were the ones called,
And the promises were sold.

You were taken advantage of,
By that girl you only wish you knew.
But she was the one invited,
So the promises were gold.

[CHORUS]
As if her voice wasn't fake,
And her endless letters sent,
A healing warm,
And a nostalgic scent.

I bet her lips tasted of sherry,
But I bet you didn't know,
You also should have tasted lies,
But the liquor was rich,
So the lies were cut dead.
She knew that it was risque,
But the promises were told.

[CHORUS]
As if her voice wasn't fake,
And her endless letters sent,
A healing warm,
And a nostalgic scent.


EDIT: the title is terrible. any suggestions is good.

Zero0Bass
10-17-2004, 12:25 AM
I bet her lips tasted of sherry,
I bet you didn't know,
You also should have tasted lies,


Lyrically this isn't amazingly strong but something just feels very right about it. I like it a lot and i'm not sure i can figure out why. pretty good, maybe i'm just in the mood for this kind of stuff but its definately doin it for me. (i'll point out the weaknesses some other time but i'm not in a criticizing mood.)

dont tell what a song is about before we read it, it kills the imagination

mshort813
10-17-2004, 09:57 AM
thanks zero0bass. I've alwasy been aiming for that style of just a good flow and making sure it fits with the music. I'm not trying to write anything amazing lyrically. thanks for the suggestion about waht the song is about. i took it out.

Bexi
10-17-2004, 11:04 AM
Hm yeah , it is quite simple and all the words aren't really aimign to be anything more than what they state, but it does stand as a good clear piece, soemthign quite dark about it...almost a smoly vibe..meh I know what i mean...

I liked it, esp the liqour being richer than the lies

mshort813
10-17-2004, 01:44 PM
thanks. i know what you mean when you said that. none of the words are meant to be deeper and more metaphorical than they really are. its pretty straight-forward. thanks for the crit.

Splig
10-17-2004, 05:28 PM
Weird rhyme scheme. Very original. I like it. Maybe for the chorus you should've made a line stand out more though. Other than that I thought it was very good.

7/10

HCO1922
10-17-2004, 06:00 PM
Fight your own battles,
And drink the glass bottles.
But they were the ones called,
And the promises were sold.

i like it. good intro. i don't what the third line is talking about

You were taken advantage of,
By that girl you only wish you knew.
But she was the one invited,
So the promises were gold.

good. i like the references to promises, in both verses

[CHORUS]
As if her voice wasn't fake,
And her endless letters sent,
A healing warm,
And a nostalgic scent.

awesome.

I bet her lips tasted of sherry,
But I bet you didn't know,
You also should have tasted lies,
But the liquor was rich,
So the lies were cut dead.
She knew that it was risque,
But the promises were told.

great stanza here. i like how you talked about liquor and tied it in with everything else.

[CHORUS]
As if her voice wasn't fake,
And her endless letters sent,
A healing warm,
And a nostalgic scent.

overall, this was pretty good. not amazing but it was ok. pretty mediocre, but i like the story behind it, good ideas. 7/10

take a look at mine? its called Nostalgia Working Overtime Tonight

~Britt

mshort813
10-17-2004, 08:00 PM
thanks for the crits. HCO1922, i just saw your post and i am about to crit your song now, so check in a little.

xxxtheusedxxx
10-21-2004, 04:43 PM
i like the way you used the analogy of liquor...the feeling was kind of dull though. i think you could make the second verse a bit different then the first one. perhaps about what has happened or something of that nature. 7/10