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View Full Version : need critisism on lyrics(metal/industrial)


billtus
10-15-2004, 08:45 AM
hey i was hoping to get some feedback on a song i wrote...
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i thought i knew you, screw you,
you've changed but for better of worse,
you thought you knew me, **** you,
which one of us ****ed up first?

disgusted, not trusted,
got ****ed up bad,
in pain, insane,
gone ****ing mad

what the **** is this a joke,
i see you laughing while i choke,
you hae me cuz my life sux,
guess wat, you can go and get ****ed

disgusted, not trusted,
got ****ed up bad,
in pain, insane,
gone ****ing mad

i hang my head,
and feel it come over me,
i dont want to leave,
but this is all i can be.
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thats it for now, ive almost got the guitar/bass lines done

billtus
10-17-2004, 05:46 AM
c'mon, somebody review it it's my first song.........PLEASE!!!

Jezen
10-17-2004, 06:53 AM
This is awesome for a first song. The only thing I didnt like was the excessive language. Im not net nanny, but swear words are there to express extreme emotion, not for blatant use. But still very good. 7.5/10 coz its ur first song. :thumb:

burton.and.gas
10-17-2004, 01:35 PM
ist a murderdolls song! lol it just reminds me of em lol. id say nice work i means its hardly original but it flows and it definitely works as a song so id say its good. 8/10

thewickedjester
10-17-2004, 07:22 PM
its hard for me to just "read" songs without having somehting to listen to against them, but in the first line, rather than:

i thought i knew you, screw you

to i thought i knew you, well screw you (or so screw you), you get the idea, i think. just a thought, constructive critiscism.

espf-250htd06
10-18-2004, 10:15 PM
go crazy dude its good for u, reach deeper though use more complex lyrical format lol idk 5/10 sounds like a hate song and a cliche topic not bad for first attemp though keep it up

billtus
10-24-2004, 08:49 AM
thanx for the help, the ****s are to express emotion as i am fairly ****ed up...sorry bout those ones

billtus
10-24-2004, 08:51 AM
"screw you" and "**** you" might work as backup vocals?

and the swearing also rymes(roughly)