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Bexi
10-14-2004, 03:59 PM
I suppose for this to have the effect I'd like, it needs music, but anyways cast your eyes over these alone, and sympathise in their quest for a cradle...

Restless in recent stagnation,
Reactionary seizures,
Heavy doors won't open,
They deny retinal pleasures.

Gasping for a quickened pulse,
Architects of deafness,
The patients have all gone home,
Here I lie in surplus.

Spoken telephone interlude
!Hello, which service do you require?"

Chorus
The smell of burning martyr,
Might be your incense,
Set eyes on a girl in the water,
And drain away its depths.

The scene of emotional crash,
Never too much to take,
When a bridge disguised as a gap,
Is all I'm left to face.

- - - -

Nauseous in a crowded room,
Apathy can poison,
Infections in life's open wounds,
Green without a reason.

Telephone interlude
"Okay, stay calm! What's the address ? "

Repeat Chorus

Blue Light Special
10-14-2004, 08:06 PM
Very good. The music would help this song alot, but it is strong with just the lyrics. You set the mood and scene well without totally giving everything away. Good work.

9/10

Sade
10-15-2004, 12:50 AM
I'm getting the feeling, that it's a baby, cradled in a crib, and a fire I'm guessing burns the house down, and because of it's infant incapabilitys, it's unable to escape, thus you have the feeling of distress and anger..

that's what I'm getting from it. It's so brilliantly done. Amazing work.

Baodegoth
10-15-2004, 07:38 AM
OMG! this is amazing bexi! the image you give thru all of the poem/song is brilliant just...awesome. i don't know if you already have music but i read this like an interlude song...a 'spoken word' song..w/ some background music..but giving the voice the chance to cause more impact than the music itself. idk...just me rambling..great stuff! 9.5/10..:thumb: keep 'em coming

SubtleDagger
10-15-2004, 09:49 AM
Same ol' same ol', except I think it's worse since you seem on the verge of something good but you're just not there. Your rhyme scheme also leaves much to be desired.

Also, the telephone crap is gimmicky.

Bexi
10-15-2004, 02:42 PM
OK. Anyone else?

Bexi
10-17-2004, 11:49 AM
...no ...?

Bexi
10-19-2004, 07:07 PM
Just bumping to front page in case anyone actaully bothers to crit for a crit

TheGreatestView
10-21-2004, 09:44 PM
hey there whats happenin. i liked this, it kind of reminded me of an a perfect circle type of song kind of. the way you write and the words you use, very nice. the only thing was the whole phone thing, but it wasn't bad, i wouldn't take it out. nice stuff, keep up the writing.

Bexi
10-24-2004, 07:25 AM
Cheers