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Jezen
10-10-2004, 10:24 PM
Doppler

By Jezen Thomas


Forging a second copy
To lead a life of pretend
To be a new king on a plastic throne
As a parallel being
A cheap counterfeit
You are nothing but another clone

A burlesque imitation
Representing a simulacrum
Another simulation
Reflection of some other
Another mirrored image
Clones cant relate to eachother

Just one more echo
Just a travestied phony
You've become a secondary illusion
Being a replica
Wont grant you acceptance
It will only multiply confusion

A burlesque imitation
(Your happening again)
Representing a simulacrum
(Your happening again)

We're not due for a second coming
Of a clone, of a double
Of a second, of a nothing

*Notes*
Oh my god I am so happy with this song. My inspiration for it was turning on the tv and seeing all these new different pop stars that all did the same thing. There was one chick the did the exact same video clip as britney spears' first song. :angry:

xKONRADx
10-10-2004, 10:26 PM
Today, 04:37 PM "chorus ive been working on" - brittish boy
Today, 07:24 PM 'doppler" - brittish boy
wtf.

ClayTheJ
10-10-2004, 10:27 PM
wait what? lol i confoosed

xKONRADx
10-10-2004, 10:27 PM
please read the damn rules.

Jezen
10-10-2004, 10:29 PM
hey man its the same song.

xKONRADx
10-10-2004, 10:29 PM
Today, 05:31 PM "best songwriting tip ever" - brittish boy... again
wtf are you doing. you make stupid annoying threads when youre only allowed one a day. you should be banned.

xKONRADx
10-10-2004, 10:31 PM
i dont care, the point is youre only allowed one thread a day
you push other peoples quality work to the second page as if there wasnt enough 'help screamo tips' or songs that are in reality only a few lines. dont post worthless threads.

Jezen
10-10-2004, 10:34 PM
pfft sorry then.

Jezen
10-10-2004, 10:35 PM
ok, i posted 3 in one day, so, i wont post for 3 days. does that satisfy you?

xKONRADx
10-10-2004, 10:37 PM
pfft sorry then.
good one

xKONRADx
10-10-2004, 10:37 PM
ok, i posted 3 in one day, so, i wont post for 3 days. does that satisfy you?
no
dont post ever.

Jezen
10-10-2004, 10:39 PM
why

Nightvision
10-10-2004, 10:42 PM
...think you're being a bit harsh here konrad.

just let the guy get a break, huh?

xKONRADx
10-10-2004, 10:42 PM
why
the real question you should be asking yourself is 'why am i wasting my time here when it is obvious i will never improve.'

i mean really.

xKONRADx
10-10-2004, 10:43 PM
...think you're being a bit harsh here konrad.

just let the guy get a break, huh?
whatever you say. i will stop.

you just have to ask.

Jezen
10-10-2004, 10:44 PM
thank you. Im sorry for not obeying the rules. I will improve.

losererik
10-10-2004, 10:49 PM
well it seems like no one has even commented on your song yet so i'm going to, dispite how mad xKONRADx is. But I do agree with him, keep your posts down for the rest of us please?

Ok, I really dig the message you were trying to convey, i just wish you could have done it better, for example:

A lot of the words you used were great, you just tended to overuse them. It felt a little forced. I can see why you were so happy with it though. But I think you need to look at again, from a hard critical point of view and look at things you PERSONALLY feel you need to change, cuz that is what I think in this case is going to make the difference. Don't get me wrong, it's very good, but you could do better

xKONRADx
10-10-2004, 10:52 PM
Forging a second copy
To lead a life of pretend
To be a new king on a plastic throne
As a parallel being
A cheap counterfeit
You are nothing but another clone

ok, good. i notice you use a pronoun in the last line, if youre going to change in the middle (or end in this case) keep consistancy thoughout the song. i see you dont.

A burlesque imitation
Representing a simulacrum
Another simulation
Reflection of some other
Another mirrored image
Clones cant relate to eachother

the last line doesnt seem to fit. you are being all descriptive, then there is just this factual statement. ???

Just one more echo
Just a travestied phony
You've become a secondary illusion
Being a replica
Wont grant you acceptance
It will only multiply confusion

ok.

A burlesque imitation
(Your happening again)
Representing a simulacrum
(Your happening again)

We're not due for a second coming
Of a clone, of a double
Of a second, of a nothing

this is all good, except i dont get the use of the word nothing.cause obviously its something. all in all, not bad. when you use less common words make sure they dont sound too out of place. a good way to use them is to play the role of a superior character or have the subject be something technical or deep.

Jezen
10-10-2004, 11:00 PM
thnk you im happy i got a full crit. umm...on the very last line of the whole song, byu nothing i meant the person that has all these clones isnt much of a person anyway. (IMO of course) and yeh i agree the last line in the chorus doesnt fit terribly well. but thank you for critting me. do u want me to crit anything of urs?

hotcod32
10-10-2004, 11:06 PM
i quite like it, theres not much i can add to whats allreayd been said... but i don't know, it feels like you trying to hard to use words that don't work just becuse there diffrent and in the end you come across (espicly with the subject matter) as a bit proteshious

Jezen
10-10-2004, 11:09 PM
do you mean pretentious?

hotcod32
10-10-2004, 11:18 PM
yes, you see i can't spell

Merkaba
10-11-2004, 01:52 AM
...think you're being a bit harsh here konrad.

just let the guy get a break, huh?
yea, you know noone reads the rules. I broke the rules when i first came here too.

by the way..."clones cant relate to each other " is genius

Jezen
10-11-2004, 02:24 AM
lol why thank you merkaba. Im glad someone likes my song.

Permanent Solution
10-11-2004, 02:41 PM
Forging a second copy
To lead a life of pretend
To be a new king on a plastic throne
As a parallel being
A cheap counterfeit
You are nothing but another clone

A burlesque imitation
Representing a simulacrum
Another simulation
Reflection of some other
Another mirrored image
Clones cant relate to eachother

Just one more echo
Just a travestied phony
You've become a secondary illusion
Being a replica
Wont grant you acceptance
It will only multiply confusion

A burlesque imitation
(Your happening again)
Representing a simulacrum
(Your happening again)

We're not due for a second coming
Of a clone, of a double
Of a second, of a nothing

Ok, I was gonna do an in depth un, but you have one and I have a report still to do in 1 hour so, basically, I like the ending. I don't like the "Chorus"? 2nd section, because you drop the rhyme scheme you set up and it loses the flow you had established. You try a different one, but other/other= worthless rhyme, redo that. Each other is two words btw. Most of the vocab is good...I think you could do without recycling simulacrum, since it seems the most over-the-top of any words you use, it is stronger in a single use. Anyways, well done...though maybe dumb it down a little bit, big words mean nothing to an audience if they have never heard it before, I prefer to use strong diction, but not diction that is over the top if that makes sense, seems like you are trying too hard to make it soud intelligent...

Jezen
10-12-2004, 04:57 AM
Meh I guess I overdid the thesaurus.

_bombsh3ll_
01-09-2005, 08:25 PM
no
dont post ever.

go suck some **** faggot...

love to see you write a song...

xKONRADx
01-09-2005, 11:41 PM
go suck some **** faggot...

love to see you write a song...
good one buddy, i hope life turns out great for you and your really, truly happy.

Jezen
01-10-2005, 03:52 AM
^^^^
How come you were so nice to him and so mean to me??

_bombsh3ll_
01-10-2005, 03:53 AM
good one buddy, i hope life turns out great for you and your really, truly happy.

thanks man...

good to see we got things straightened out

_bombsh3ll_
01-11-2005, 03:17 AM
its coz his a *****

Nightvision
01-11-2005, 03:21 AM
bombshell - stop being a gimp and just go back to school, please. :)

Electric Riley
01-11-2005, 04:43 AM
The truth is, this song is **** good. And no-one reads the rules.

Edit: and Bomsh3ll (if that is your real name), you suck at life. Picking on the poor boy. Just because he's more English than you...