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View Full Version : first piece in a LONG time


kerazay
10-03-2004, 02:08 PM
ok this is the first thing i've written in ages. tell me what you think ok!

If I could control time
Then I would stop it forever
To let me lie in this moment
With my heart and thoughts together
I would keep it in my memory
With the sky reflecting my eyes
And the dark night wishing me sweet dreams
Before it falls into the sunrise

And when the sun awakens
I find that I'm catching every breath
That it takes before climbing into dawn
Leaving the night with what is left
Of that moment that I loved
That is now just in my past
But somehow it will not disappear
For in my heart it shall last

Then the clouds arrived and found their place
In a sky that was so blue
In the day that took away my fears
And my precious moment too
They whisper to me all their feelings
As the sun sweeps away my daydreams
And takes me back to gazing at the sea
And realising that reality isn't what it seems

So now I'm here, to revisit that night
It has returned
But that moment will never come back
The night greets me with a smile
But in the hardest way, I have learned
That memories will keep us happy
Only for a little while

lord of darkness
10-03-2004, 08:51 PM
this real good stuff, I wouldn't change a word, I like it, the flow is great. Althought it seems to be the classical subject of love and depression, it's so well done that I liked it anyway:p good work

kerazay
10-04-2004, 01:36 PM
this isn't about love and depression at all! the "moment" that i keep referrin 2 is a metaphor for anythin that anyone wants it 2 stand 4, just any great thing that's ever happened 2 u in the past. and no mater how hard you try you can't recreate that moment, no matter how many times you go back to the same place and try to repeat everything, it won't happen. it's quite a depressing thing if you think about it, but it's nothin to do with love! unless the "moment" for any particular reader is a failed relationship. this is a universal poem, it's for anybody who wants it to belong to them.

lord of darkness
10-04-2004, 05:41 PM
oh well sorry, my mistake:p then I'd gladly give 10 / 10:d

CrashingDown213
10-04-2004, 05:54 PM
The verse first is very good until you get to

With the sky reflecting my eyes
And the dark night wishing me sweet dreams
Before it falls into the sunrise

Instead of "and the dark night wishing me sweet dreams"

Change it to Dark nights wishing me sweet dream"
I think that would make the song flow a little better.

And when the sun awakens
I find that I'm catching every breath
That it takes before climbing into dawn
Leaving the night with what is left
Of that moment that I loved
That is now just in my past
But somehow it will not disappear
For in my heart it shall last

I'd also have to say thats the strongest point in the song

9/10

kerazay
10-05-2004, 08:00 AM
merci bucket!

Wadi
10-05-2004, 11:09 AM
I have to say I like this. I can't crit it fully because I am about to fall asleep, but I'll give you 10/10 and leave it at this. It sounds like a great bluegrass type song.

kerazay
10-05-2004, 02:52 PM
merci bucket!

kerazay
10-25-2004, 12:14 PM
anyone else...

kerazay
10-31-2004, 04:28 AM
someone else please crit this i'm lookin to get it published!

TheBlackAcidChildren
10-31-2004, 06:59 AM
If I could control time
Then I would stop it forever
To let me lie in this moment
With my heart and thoughts together
I would keep it in my memory
With the sky reflecting my eyes
And the dark night wishing me sweet dreams
Before it falls into the sunrise
I like this. There's some good imagery here, and it's pretty original.

And when the sun awakens
I find that I'm catching every breath
That it takes before climbing into dawn
Leaving the night with what is left
I'd consider revising this rhyme - "breath" and "left" have similar vowel sounds, but it's how the end of the word sounds that makes the rhyme solid, and "breath" doesn't sound the same as "left" in that respect. This lets down the verse.
Of that moment that I loved
That is now just in my past
But somehow it will not disappear
For in my heart it shall last
This is somewhat cliché, "past" and "last" has been used a lot. If you're sure about it then stick with it, but I'd not be too happy with that myself.
Then the clouds arrived and found their place
In a sky that was so blue
In the day that took away my fears
And my precious moment too
They whisper to me all their feelings
As the sun sweeps away my daydreams
And takes me back to gazing at the sea
And realising that reality isn't what it seems
This is a good rhyme, the problem is with the emphasis. The emphasis in "daydreams" is on the syllable "day", and "seems" is only one syllable so you have to put the emphasis on the word before. "DAYdreams" is fine, but "IT seems" just sounds a bit forced and unnatural.

So now I'm here, to revisit that night
It has returned
But that moment will never come back
The night greets me with a smile
But in the hardest way, I have learned
That memories will keep us happy
Only for a little while
I think this is a good ending. The whole piece is good, it just needs a little work on the occasional rhyme and some shifts of stress.

Other than that I like it. Good job.