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View Full Version : Mount of Olives-Please Crit


crippledguitarist
09-29-2004, 03:24 PM
I wrote this because i was just messing around on my guitar and this awesmoe tune came flying out. Tell me what you think.

MOUNT OF OLIVES

1.you say you love me
then you betray me here
you said you loved me
now i cant be sure

why cant i be sure?

Ch: now i stand alone
on my very own mount of olives

2. how could you do this to me?
thats all i need to know
why do you hate me?
i may never know

why do you hate me so?

Ch

sometimes it feels like youre so alone
no one stands beside you
when in your hour of greatest need
does anyone fight at your side?
no, at least not me
and never you

3.now you try to call me
you need my help tonight
i respond calmly
"this is not my fight"

now you stand alone
on your very own mount of olives

Thanks for viewing.

fisQar
09-29-2004, 04:34 PM
Don't you emo kids have something better in your life to write about than your mediocre ****ing emotions?

crippledguitarist
09-29-2004, 05:04 PM
when i asked for criticism, i meant the constructive kind. but thanks for the worthless opinion anyway. asshead.

Blue Light Special
09-29-2004, 05:15 PM
It seems to be missing something. I cannot put my finger on it...

Like there is a giant hole in the middle of the song to me (not literally the middle). It needs a bit more oomph. That is where my thinking takes me. Sorry.

crippledguitarist
09-29-2004, 05:25 PM
no worries. thanks in fact. i dont suppose you could pinpoint exactly where it needs it?

Blue Light Special
09-29-2004, 05:26 PM
The area around "2" just seems empty. The rhyming seems forced. It could use some explanation. HOW exactly do you feel, why did this happen, etc....

crippledguitarist
09-29-2004, 05:36 PM
hmm....ok. thanks again. i'll work on it and see what i can come up with.

Blue Light Special
09-29-2004, 05:38 PM
Alrighty, I'm excited to see the finished product. Keep up the awesome work!

crippledguitarist
09-29-2004, 05:49 PM
so as of now what would you give it out of 10?

Bexi
09-29-2004, 05:53 PM
UHm yeah..it definitely needs filling up.
Either i'm gettin very harsh as my tiem goes on here, or i see more and more empty shell lyrics. Okay..you have this feeling...don't just say it...explain it...how does it differ from the millions of other people who don't know where they stand woith someone ? How does your situation get me to notice that you're goign thorugh this differently ? What exactly are your dobts ? What triggers them....why are they not something you should ignore...what makes them so pignant ?

Sorry..in short...delev a bit more, as it stands this could eb any song about any person...sorry

crippledguitarist
09-29-2004, 06:17 PM
[QUOTE]Sorry..in short...delev a bit more, as it stands this could eb any song about any person...sorry


isnt the idea of a song to appeal to everyone? if more people can identify, so much the better. but i realise the emotion does have to be better explained. im working on it. also realise that a big part of any song is the guitar part. an instrument can explain how the person is feeling more fully than the lyrics. im not trying to be defensive, just trying to explain. i do appreciate the crit though. thanks Bexi.

Bexi
09-29-2004, 06:42 PM
No problem , you make a fair comment, music has massive effect on the lyrics and delivery.

I'm not sure the idea is to appeal to evryone....of course , as wroters it's great when people apprecaite our stuff. But let's say we want to appeal to evryone, I guess i'd be wrioting pop ?

I wanna write about what's real, or inspired, or..i dunno...

All i'm sayign is i'd rather get say ten ppl to like my stuff and reallly FEEL itthan ten million ppl just liking i superficially....

crippledguitarist
09-29-2004, 06:48 PM
again you make another good point. i think you and i just have different styles thats all. please feel free to crit my stuff anytime though, because i think a viewpoint as unique as yours is always going to be very valuable.

Blue Light Special
09-29-2004, 07:19 PM
7.5

crippledguitarist
10-01-2004, 02:07 AM
cool. thanks for your honesty.

morrissey
11-07-2004, 10:44 PM
Well, this song does not strike me as being very deep, but it does have some strong points.

i respond calmly
"this is not my fight" I like this part... I am usually a big fan of incorporating conversations into songs, perhaps because it is my style or perhaps... I don't know, I just like it.

I also like how you turn the "I stand alone" into "you stand alone", nice little change.

Overall I think you could go deeper, but it is definitely a good start. 7/10

HelloImDistance
11-08-2004, 06:58 AM
There's like no imagery at all, Its just like all the other crappy songs "Why do you hate me" "I miss you" "I love you" "How could you do this to me" "You hurt me"

2/10

theredwonder
11-08-2004, 07:07 AM
not really my cup of tea to be honest. in general i agree with bexi, you need to elaborate a little. and ask fewer questions. that i really don't like. anyways, sorry but im giving it a 5/10.

check this out if you have time -

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=262172

shameless plugging practised here :D

crippledguitarist
11-08-2004, 02:16 PM
lol thanks for the crits. i do admit its a bit elementary, but then again i did write it like 2 months ago, so meh. what you gonna do eh?