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View Full Version : One-man band [Ch-ch-ch-check it out. I crit back]


DoubtingVada
09-24-2004, 02:21 PM
Okay, so this is old, I know.
But I'm finally getting around to putting music with some old music, and I really need you to spit on this before I get started. Don't be scared, it's not easy to offend me.
Appreciate it :)


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This is just a few random thoughts I had in my head when I sat down to write something. I just strung them together and made a song. I hope it makes some kind of sense ....

Please leave your name/link/song title at the sound of the tone, and I'll hit you back ASAP ....

We wrote the saddest story on our skin
And our tattletale lashes screamed it out
But when the story came back, worn thin
And stained with laughter, void of doubt
We were surprised, and we denied it every time

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone

And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band

We slept thirty nights with a clear conscience
But guilt leaked back in through flashing lights
A triggered memory, I’ve learned, is too intense
When it brings back a cynical fear of heights
And irrational self-inflicted crimes

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone

And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band


---------------------------------------------------------
That's it. Crit me and I'll love you forever.
Oh, yeah. And -- [Beep]

Andrew420song
09-24-2004, 02:25 PM
Sounds To Me More Of A Story Put Into The Song
Which Happens To Be My Most Favorite Because It What I Most Commonly Do. Lol I Like The Begining But It Seem To Loose Focus Of Your Topic Towards The End So Fix It And Put It Up Its Good Though Really Good Lol
(crit Me Back On My New Thread: Stoners Love Or More 2....)
Thanks ~andrew

DoubtingVada
09-24-2004, 04:08 PM
Thanks for the crit

Anyone else? Come on, you know you want to ...

Cipher Hour
09-24-2004, 04:23 PM
No actually I don't want to...I think it's time for you to eat some powdered bleach and die! :wave:

On a more serious note I'll crit this later...

Permanent Solution
09-24-2004, 06:22 PM
We wrote the saddest story on our skin
And our tattletale lashes screamed it out
But when the story came back, worn thin
And stained with laughter, void of doubt
We were surprised, and we denied it every time
---lines 3 and 4 should lose a syllable to flow better imo, good imagery and diction...very unique :)

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone
---significance of italics/bolding? Rhyme scheme seems lacking here though it was precvalent before, that could be sweet or crap depending on how it sounds to music...since it's you I'll assume it's awesome and move on :)

And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band
---I assume you speak of me and this song therefore is wonderful ;)...anyways, line 3 seems too short I think, and line 5 could use some rewording b/c it seems a little out of context...nice chorus(?) though...

We slept thirty nights with a clear conscience
But guilt leaked back in through flashing lights
A triggered memory, I’ve learned, is too intense
When it brings back a cynical fear of heights
And irrational self-inflicted crimes
---Pretty good, rather abstract, but flows fine and everything...

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone

And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band

Overall this is a good piece Nichelle, I was jumping back and forth between this and other stuff so I probably missed the point a little bit...I think you could close it a little better, verse->prechorus->chorus, repeat...a little bland structurally, but I like this piece :)

Yeah...you better love me forever now :)

DoubtingVada
09-24-2004, 08:07 PM
Yeah...you better love me forever now :)
Awww, good crit, Zeppy - you broke it down and everything. Of course I love you forever.

Cipher Hour
09-24-2004, 08:36 PM
Alright...time for buttsecks!

We wrote the saddest story on our skin
And our tattletale lashes screamed it out
But when the story came back, worn thin
And stained with laughter, void of doubt
We were surprised, and we denied it every time

-Nice flow...good imagery. Zep is right though...needs to lose a syllable or two to make it flow better in the 3rd and 4th line. Otherwise good stuff...

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone

-Don't we all feel this way sometimes? Heh...not me...but anyway nice job though...nothing really else to say about those lines.

And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

-Seems a little off but I see you're changing pattern. A lot of people I'm sure can relate to this thus far...interesting thoughts.

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band

-WHOA! It's like...you wrote that last line just to describe me and how much you love me. It's true, I probably am your favorite one-man band...if my band actually only consisted of me. The first line seems kind of out of place...I dunno...I just don't like how it flows.

We slept thirty nights with a clear conscience
But guilt leaked back in through flashing lights
A triggered memory, I’ve learned, is too intense
When it brings back a cynical fear of heights
And irrational self-inflicted crimes

-Hmm...kinda losing me here but I think I can see where this is going. Lyrically wise it's rathering intriguing but it kinda doesn't do that well to hold my attention (depends on the music accompanying it though). Good flow...nothing much else.

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone


And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band

All in all not bad. As zep said this could be closed better. I'll give it a 7.5 not because I wasn't interested but because I'm much more concerned about buttsecks to review properly. Anyway I held up my end up the deal...you know what we have to do now...
:naughty:

Cipher Hour
09-24-2004, 08:37 PM
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=243684

Crit this...

maggotfelon
09-24-2004, 09:47 PM
I can't think of anything to say. I read zeppelin's crit and pretty much argreed with it. I'm a tad tired so that could be the problem, if I think of anything else I'll let ya know, but for now... 8.5/10

xKONRADx
09-24-2004, 11:34 PM
the first part is so awesome. i am seriously in love with your brain. hfal;sdfhkaw pfoaspklvas hkf lk;l j i cant type. hsahahah. youve written better but that first verse is just so. wow. why are you never on when i am? please come back. for the the team? for me?

Merkaba
09-25-2004, 01:53 AM
I dont see anything i would change.

OH, um, where did you say you wanted to have the honeymoon at?

DoubtingVada
09-25-2004, 12:36 PM
Thanks guys :)
Anyone else?

xKONRADx
09-25-2004, 12:41 PM
you wanna crit mine? "lovely drowning, dear"

Baodegoth
09-25-2004, 03:38 PM
We wrote the saddest story on our skin
And our tattletale lashes screamed it out
But when the story came back, worn thin
And stained with laughter, void of doubt
We were surprised, and we denied it every time
:amaze: (i'm speechless)...this is so amazing!!! i loved every word, i tasted every little bit of imagery...i adored this stanza so much that i could...i could propose to you right now! *gets down on his knees and gives her a diamond ring*:lol:

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone
*sound of bomb falling from the sky* the idea is great but he way you've xposed it isn't...sorry nichelle but this kinda kills the song IMO.

And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band
2nd stanza much better than the 1st one but it's still ok. like i said i like the idea but after that 1st paragrah...i xpected much more. not bad tho.

We slept thirty nights with a clear conscience
But guilt leaked back in through flashing lights
A triggered memory, I’ve learned, is too intense
When it brings back a cynical fear of heights
And irrational self-inflicted crimes
yes! well done...this is much better...me likes it!:D the wording is just great!

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone


And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band
same as before.

Overall i think it's good but it could be great!! just fix the pre-chorus and chorus a little bit and it'll be amazing. put some more imagery to it, idk something like that. ..and that's it. 8/10 *music starts "you rock. who rocks? Nichelle rocks! yeah who? YOU!"*:upset:..lame!

Bexi
09-25-2004, 04:28 PM
We wrote the saddest story on our skin--good intro, clear image and attention grabbing
And our tattletale lashes screamed it out--i just don't like that funny t word :s maybe i just don't get it
But when the story came back, worn thin
And stained with laughter, void of doubt--awesoem two lines right there
We were surprised, and we denied it every time -- i like hoe something you seem to be decribing as very vivid can be denied.

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone --meh i think this is lackustrem by compariosn to the rest of the piece and in general ya other stuff

And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --god i love this line...i think that is very true to how we subject ourself to such feelings and cobtradictions
He’s still my favorite one-man band

We slept thirty nights with a clear conscience
But guilt leaked back in through flashing lights
A triggered memory, I’ve learned, is too intense
When it brings back a cynical fear of heights
And irrational self-inflicted crimes --i liked pretty much all of this, some great use there..leaking guilt...cynical fear of heights, it's all good stuff

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone

And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band..again i really think that is the pivot of teh whole thign which is very neatly bound and sensible without being too obv...

Good stuff as always

DoubtingVada
09-25-2004, 04:33 PM
Thanks guys :)

DoubtingVada
11-23-2004, 05:21 PM
Bumping is fun.

Permanent Solution
11-23-2004, 05:24 PM
So...I was gonna crit that poem of yours...does this mean no?

morrissey
11-23-2004, 05:36 PM
We wrote the saddest story on our skin
And our tattletale lashes screamed it out
But when the story came back, worn thin
And stained with laughter, void of doubt
We were surprised, and we denied it every time
holy crap, excellent start. The first line is incredible. The 'tattletale lashes screamed it out' -- personifying of lashes, that is good. The rest is excellent too.

And we grow so fast, sometimes
That we can’t help forget our old selves
When they’re left so far behind ....
Until they’re gone
This was already italicized... chorus, different singer? I'm not sure. Anyways, I'm not the biggest fan of this, I like what you are trying to say, it fits with the best friends/relationship or whatever was going on in the first verse, but it feels sort of unoriginal because of the wording. I think you could re-word it to make it more interestting, but it doesn't really matter.

And he never really got to know himself
Because he was always told
To follow someone else
Again, this was bold, so I'm not sure if it is a different singer, chorus, bridge etc. Perhaps you could clarify?
Anyways, I'm sort of confused here. You start talking about 'he', who is just introduced. I didn't think that you were talking about a male character before, and if you were, it was you and the male character. So this is sort of confusing, difficult to follow without more explanation. But lyrically, same sort of problem as the second stanza: excellent idea is sort of dampened by a "standard" writing style.

And now he’s not so sure of where to stand
Between logic and emotion --
He’s still my favorite one-man band
Excellent, except for the last line. Feels like an extreme forced rhyme there... but the first two lines are awesome.

We slept thirty nights with a clear conscience
But guilt leaked back in through flashing lights
A triggered memory, I’ve learned, is too intense
When it brings back a cynical fear of heights
And irrational self-inflicted crimes
Perfect, nothing to add here. I really really like this verse.



So overall I'm confused about the connection between the bold and the rest... I haven't read the other comments, so I will do that now to see if you answered my question. But overall this is an impressive enough song, during the verses (?) it becomes evident that you have a definite gift for writing effective lyrics.

Overall 8/10, but if it is clarify this could easily increase to 8.5/10

DoubtingVada
11-23-2004, 05:45 PM
So...I was gonna crit that poem of yours...does this mean no?
I s'pose so, Zep.
This one is the new top priority :p

Permanent Solution
11-23-2004, 05:48 PM
I s'pose so, Zep.
This one is the new top priority :p
Bah, you took too long to answer, you get a crit whether you like it or not now :p

I already critted the hell out of this one anyways, why does it need more crits?...I critted it, 'nough said.