PDA

View Full Version : Anatomy of Theft, 500th post... crit ill crit back


A_Perfect_Sonnet
09-23-2004, 05:17 PM
Ben Stivers
9/23/04

Anatomy of Theft

Grounded and unbroken we stand at this wooden door, dont feel sorry for yourself. I told you "If you're in, you're in till the end." Now go in there and do what you do best, and dont look back to me for praises. Silently creep in through that open window, push aside the curtains flowing in the breeze. Remember the plan and stick with it, no one needs to get hurt this time. Mistakes we can never take back, but only be push aside in our guilty minds. Keep that gun in your pocket, you know what happened the last time. Slip up the stairs, stop to make sure that no one is around. Now go and find your target, and bring back what we came here for.

Sirens screaming in the distance, what went wrong? Silloutes of the ones we never intended to bring into our twisted games. "Grab a knife and grab the child," we've got ourselves a hostage situation here. All I want is to escape, not to harm these gentle souls. But you've left me no choice, this matter has to be dealt with. One way or another I'm leaving this house, whether it's in the shadows or in a bodybag. "Scream only when I want you to talk, anything more and I'll kill you." Please dont try to be heroic, just do what your told and no one will get hurt.

Now we hear the gunshots, and bodies drop like rainfall. I hear it coming down on the shingles of this bloody roof. "Who is going in for me? If you're coming up I'm taking you down." I didn't want this to happen, none of this should've gone wrong. "Put down your weapon and place your hands on your head." Too bad I didn't hear him, and now I've only got myself to blame. Piercing my chest and exiting my body in the blink of an eye. I'm lying on the ground, but we created this mess. Now as the darkness envelops my vision, I hear your words in my head. Because remember, "If you're in you're in till the end."



Now that I did my 500th, I gotta get on to critting everyone who's so generous to me. :)

Bexi
09-23-2004, 05:45 PM
i will def get bacl to this when i'm not tired, but i gotta shoot

A_Perfect_Sonnet
09-23-2004, 07:57 PM
bump, cmon you know you wanna crit this and id say i give pretty good crits back... :)

xKONRADx
09-23-2004, 08:04 PM
not bad at all, is it supposed to be a song or just a short story? either way i like it, but if its a song you should format it better (not saying change the words but put them on different lines so i can get the meter better). either way good work.
ps you said youd crit back so here ya go:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=243425

A_Perfect_Sonnet
09-23-2004, 08:06 PM
its a song, but if i devided it up itd be really long...

CSD & the Soul Machines
09-24-2004, 02:03 PM
First off...I LOVE the title. The song itself is pretty cool. I love the last line a bunch too. You've definetly gotten better. Keep it up.

Andrew420song
09-24-2004, 02:07 PM
I Always Enjoy Reading Your Writings, You Really Have Improved And Have Opened Up To So Many Styles, I Love All Your Work Now All You Can Do Is Go Back And Fix Up What U Dont Like Because Thats All That Will Make It Better In The End, Love Ya ~andrew
(crit My Song Thread: Stoners Love Or More 2 ......) I Changed And Edited It I Hope U Like It

A_Perfect_Sonnet
02-15-2005, 04:53 PM
Bumped from the grave.

matt10lightning
02-15-2005, 06:42 PM
i really like the title but some of the lines in ur song were very long..maybe u could cut down on some of the soo the song wont be as long...but overall very good 8/10

theredwonder
02-15-2005, 07:23 PM
urilleagle.

i_mine_cor
02-15-2005, 10:30 PM
Captivating. But I've no idea how you're going to perform it. If I could hear it sung... I had to read it again to get an idea of who was who in the story, the first person point of view confused me once or twice, but nice. "Too bad I didn't hear him. Now I've only got myself to blame" this doesn't seem to fit in. Someone else sent him into the house, and, being a robber, at nighttime, he couldn't have not heard the cop warn him and realized it after his death (when the song takes place). Also, he swears they won't take him alive, so if he had heard he still wouldn't have complied. Maybe I'm just reading way too far into this, but I think he made a run for it (so the child he was holding didn't get shot as well) and maybe his trainer/master/employer person set it all up. Anyway, that's the feeling I get from it, it's an interesting story. Captivating.

TheWoodenSlug
02-16-2005, 06:30 AM
^^^
Yeah the word "captivating" is probably the best to describe it. I think this is largely due to the format that you have set it out in (which I personally love - sort of reads like a story). I'll agree with others about the fact that the title is very effective. The lyrics themselves are, quite simply put, perfect in my book. I love the way that you show the remorse in the "baddie" (sorry it's late), "not to harm these gentle souls," which I've read is very common in hostage situations, which sort of gives the reader a look into the mentallity of the "baddie" as the situation unfolds. The last line is the best though. Sums the whole song up perfectly. Anyway enough of my drivel, 9.5/10. (Would have been 10/10, but I have been reading quite a bit of your work and am extremely jealous, so I deducted .5 for making me feel jealous!)

P.S If you could crit mine (Christmas Day) it would be much appreciated.

Biancazzurri
02-16-2005, 07:25 AM
I really enjoyed reading it. I think it raises up many thoughts that thieve thinks.. Are you reincarnated thieve?? I really have nothing to say just a praise, btw I like your crtiques also they are very solid....

Crit mine if you can...
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=302026

factor46
02-16-2005, 02:38 PM
sorta reminds me of the movie "collateral."

anyways...

this is written sorta like how i write and structure my songs. its supposed to be a spoken song right? oh well. it reads very nicely. i'd give you a longer, more in depth crit, but i'm not quite sure what i'd suggest you to do with it. cuz it's good.

and i don't have a song finished at the moment, but when i do, i'll be sure to hit you up on it. :thumb:

Jetblack
02-16-2005, 02:54 PM
I really liked this. Great imagry, great story like idea.
I like the second paragraph (verse?) the best. It's really descriptive, and It sort of gives a sense of acutally being there.
Great job. 9.8/10

Please crit mine: "Dear You"

saudade
02-19-2005, 02:18 AM
I liked it, it flowed really well, and i really enjoyed the time break in between each stanza. its almost as though there was a fade to black at the end of each stanza, and then your woken to another one, i liked that. Nice way to include the characters conscience as a character, that was cool as well, at least i hope it was that and not another seperate character :confused:

the only problem i have with it is the title. When i read it, i was expecting a super descriptive and sensual story about theft. The way the theif feels, his thoughts, his physical state, descriptive stuff. not saying that your piece wasnt descriptive, just not as much as i thought it would be with the title being "Anatomy of Theft".

factor46
02-19-2005, 01:35 PM
and i don't have a song finished at the moment, but when i do, i'll be sure to hit you up on it. :thumb:


like i said..

http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=304001

please crit this if you would. :D

i am nekroman
02-19-2005, 05:07 PM
bad flow, but the rest is good
hi