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BassManXtreme
09-12-2004, 11:31 PM
Trying to write a sadder ska song, I like the way it turned out though, it might be waaaay to relient on the vocal rythm to post. Oh well, check it out.

The top of the gutter...
Is blocking the suns rays
And I'm not one to complain
But I have seen much better days
They ask where are you going...
With an empty shell of yourself
Said from the looks I get it must be hell
But theres no way to tell

Until I get there...
But by then its much too late

And I don't care
If you dance on my grave
It is too late
To take the time to hear you say

That you love me...
With your heart and soul
They are stretched and getting old
What do you know
You don't know me...
And I don't care what your opinion is
Bitch you let me get like this
I only stayed since there was no risk

But you showed me...
That there's no way to tell
Until its much too late

And I don't care
If you dance on my grave
It is too late
To take the time to hear you say

That you love me...

Its basically about the state of my life right now. Its sucking. Lots. Oh well, **** happens.

113
09-12-2004, 11:59 PM
Yo nice yo...i like this song...i like ska, and i can picture this as a ska song definetly....good job...my favorite line is definetly "And i don't care/ if you dance on my grave/it is too late/to take the time to hear you say"...althoguht i might change the last line in the verse/chorus (whatever it is)...the last line seems a bit forced, and kind of out of place....something else there that was short would probabaly make it sound better...overall 8/10

can you review my new song called "Brooklyn Heights"

Asteroid Le Fou
09-13-2004, 12:03 AM
wow WOW wow. hehe had to do that but yeah about your song definitely sad. that was what you were aiming for right? its one of my favorite songs I've read so far. do write more. (hugs you) hehe -later!-

BassManXtreme
09-13-2004, 12:46 AM
I critted your song 113, and I'll check yours out before I sleep Asteroid Le Fou. Thanks both of you, I'm glad something good came from the **** I've been going through.

BassManXtreme
09-13-2004, 05:32 PM
BUMP

Awww..no more crits?

BassManXtreme
09-13-2004, 08:56 PM
RE-BUMP

I want some comments...come ON people.

Gone2Far
09-14-2004, 06:24 PM
I like it, it could go on a Sublime Santeria kind of ska riff...

Halvetes Eld
09-14-2004, 07:00 PM
I dont know that Ska is heald in the klyrics and much as it is in the guitar and other music instruments. I dont think you can write a ska song with just lyrics...I could be wrong though cuz I dont listen to alot of ska.

A_Perfect_Sonnet
09-14-2004, 07:02 PM
hes right, ska can have whatever lyrics... but you gotta have the proper band setup to make a good ska band, because most people dont understand ska anyway

trumpets, sax, trombone, etc

bigskinny2006
09-14-2004, 07:07 PM
Cool stuff, I like it much so. Not as sad as I thought it was going to be, although im not living your life. Had nice flow and I was singing it to my self, seemed really good. Sorry this is a lame crit but, if you would be so kind, please crit my song its called THe absence of color.

BassManXtreme
09-14-2004, 07:41 PM
Ska doesn't work for sad songs too good, and I generally write either angry/funner songs, I guess. Depression isn't my style, but I was in a sh!t mood and wrote some about it.

I guess what it means is its sad relating to my other stuff.

And I critted your song. Sorta.

Permanent Solution
09-14-2004, 07:48 PM
Ska doesn't work for sad songs too good, and I generally write either angry/funner songs, I guess. Depression isn't my style, but I was in a sh!t mood and wrote some about it.

I guess what it means is its sad relating to my other stuff.

And I critted your song. Sorta.
Funner isn't a word...ok...to crit...chorus is too cliche for me, dance on my grave is one of the most overused lines ever (imo). I liked the verses a lot more. I agree that it wasn't very sad personally, but then again, some guy told me not to commit suicide after my first song so I guess difference of style there lol...If you usually write other matter lyrically though, it is usually harder to convey a message about something else, which makes this a more impressive work, though I have not read your other stuff I don't think. Anyways, not a bad song, I would revamp the chorus though. Good besides that, this sounded negative, its not, I only disliked the one part...Please crit mine too!
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=238581

BassManXtreme
09-14-2004, 08:00 PM
Hmmm...I actually have not heard dance on my grave in any of the songs I listen to, ****, I thought that was such a good one, lol.

If I think of something else that works, I'll replace it.

And I'll crit yours in a minute.

A_Perfect_Sonnet
09-14-2004, 08:53 PM
ill just crit this in reference to your words, not refering to the type of music itll be played as


The top of the gutter...
Is blocking the suns rays
And I'm not one to complain
But I have seen much better days
They ask where are you going...
With an empty shell of yourself
Said from the looks I get it must be hell
But theres no way to tell

--your rhyme scheme is weird... id stick with the abcb, instead of going from that to abcc... in my opinion that could never work... also in reference to the abcc, it makes your wording look forced, and also cuts your train of though off abrubtly... i found myself actually getting into a good flow with your song, then i get to the last 3 lines, and im back to square one. the prior lines were very good though, i like the gutter imagery

Until I get there...
But by then its much too late

--ummmm, not sure where there is... maybe you could add a few lines to clear that up, dont know... you could probably take this out all together

And I don't care
If you dance on my grave
It is too late
To take the time to hear you say

--thats really emo stuff... i dont like it, its just too much emo for a ska song (i know i shouldnt take that into consideration, but it just really wouldnt work here), its not even good emo, its whiney

That you love me...
With your heart and soul
They are stretched and getting old
What do you know
You don't know me...
And I don't care what your opinion is
Bitch you let me get like this
I only stayed since there was no risk

--the first 6 lines are still emo, and i have my same comments on them as before... the last two lines were promising though

But you showed me...
That there's no way to tell
Until its much too late

--youre dragging this out too long about how much you hate her

And I don't care
If you dance on my grave
It is too late
To take the time to hear you say

That you love me...


this would work for a song, but the topic seems cliche and theres really nothing new in what youre saying... except your first verse was pretty nice

6/10

BassManXtreme
09-14-2004, 09:00 PM
Thanks for the whole crit, I see what you're getting at.

The 'Until I get there...' line is a continuation of the verse, I just seperated it so you could tell that the singing rythm changed.

The rhyming scheme is actually ABBB, the first line is slower than the rest. I don't know how to explain it, but it flows really nice the way I have it sung.

About half of the 2nd verse is taken from a conversation between me and my (ex?) gf (I'm not sure if we still go out, lol) I never saw it as emo, but I see where you're coming from.

You had some great points that I overlooked...I gotta comb back through this. Thanks.

pickitup060
01-03-2005, 03:36 PM
nice song i could see it sang reel big fish...ish



any ways your a pretty good writer

keep em coming

g0d_!d!0t!
01-03-2005, 07:39 PM
nice song dude. keep it up.