Should i confess?!?! (PLEASE CRIT!!!!)

[feedthegods666]

*alright, this is a song i wrote for my girlfriend BEFORE she was my girlfriend. its not somr sh1tty emo fvcked up love song. this is real. and i think a lot of people can relate to this*

++The chorus is song like "Duality"-Slipknot and the verses are like "Everything Ends"-SlipKnot++

I'm sorry if i cant write poetry for you
I'm sorry if you cant forgive the pain ive been thru
You have chains on my wrists i cant ever leave
Everytime i try to believe i want to secede

Should i confess my love
and kill myself 3 months from now
I just need you to know
and this is the only way i know how

I'm dragged out inside and i can never see light
Your face in my eyes i can not sleep tonight
This is the last time ill try to die for you
Cuz if i die or live, either way im screwed

I cant let you go you're glued to my hand
if you ask suicide, id die for your every command
youre the only one who takes me seriously
and ill fight an entire war for you fearlessly

Should i confess my love
and kill myself 3 months from now
I just need you to know
and this is the only way i know how

How many times have i said i left you behind
im all torn up inside cuz theres no more love to find
But it would end up in flames after all my tries
youd leave me set me free and im the one who dies

I can already feel my wrists bleed ahead in time
when its actually over and you arent mine
so i tear myself to wonder if its worth death
to love you now but youre my last breath

[feedthegods666]

anyone?!?!!? this has been on like ALL DAY and i havent gotten anyone :upset:

[theredwonder]

yeh, feel this song. i wrote a couple not long ago on pretty much exactly the same state of affairs. i think the fact that you want it to be sung like slipknot should get you a slap, and slagging off emo a back hander... but thats just a personal preference. some of the rhyme a little forced, other lines **** good. overall 8/10.

crit this if u wud... oh bugger it i cnt b arsed gettin a link, its called 'calculated confessions'

[feedthegods666]

ill try to find it

[soapgun155]

good job 8/10 - ur lyrics are pretty good it feels like i feel em lol :thumb: keep it up now here's mine http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=221400

[Baodegoth]

yep i can relate to them...i have something like this(who hasn't?). so, i think you pulled this off very well, it's something that everyone writes about but you made it diferent very well done.:thumb: 7.5-8/10 somewhere in between

---------------------
could you crit this? thank you:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=221273

[still_ur_heart]

I dont feel them cause personally I dont like the harsh words like screwed and the morbid vibe it gives off. BUT I do really think That you put work into it and it really is you, so...GOOD FOR YOU! if you would like to check out mine, it would mean alot to me, even if you dont like my vibes hahahaha its on the thread call "a little ditty I like to call Shine Through" ...please go cause I dont think anyone else wil lol LADE

[still_ur_heart]

OH OH OH! SORRY heeeeey I'm really likin the last line. I re-read it and man, that was like...hey thats cool.

[feedthegods666]

as i said at the top, this isnt some happy little "i love you" emo song, its harsh, its morbid, its scary. but thats the way it is

[fisQar]

The whole suicide part seemed fairly interesting, how about you try it?

[feedthegods666]

The whole suicide part seemed fairly interesting, how about you try it?
...wow....dude...you're just a complete @sshole!!! what the FVCK is your problem?!

[feedthegods666]

you know what...you dont even deserve to be called "dude"
you suck **** mo'fo

[fisQar]

...wow....dude...you're just a complete @sshole!!! what the FVCK is your problem?!

You is my ****ing problem, stop writing ****ty lyrics, or you might aswell kill yourself. The world doesn't need another asshole who pretends to be emotional, who pretends that he knows anything about love, who pretends that he knows jack **** about life, and who thinks he has it all figured out. **** off already.

[feedthegods666]

You is my ****ing problem, stop writing ****ty lyrics, or you might aswell kill yourself. The world doesn't need another asshole who pretends to be emotional, who pretends that he knows anything about love, who pretends that he knows jack **** about life, and who thinks he has it all figured out. **** off already.

wow...i never knew there could be such fvcked up unemotional stupid motherfvcking @ssholes in the world!
you dont FVCKING KNOW ME!?!?!?
so stop pretending you do

[fisQar]

wow...i never knew there could be such fvcked up unemotional stupid motherfvcking @ssholes in the world!
you dont FVCKING KNOW ME!?!?!?
so stop pretending you do

Oh, I know you alright. Your type is flooding the streets, spreading their filth. You're all the same. You disgust me.

[feedthegods666]

Oh, I know you alright. Your type is flooding the streets, spreading their filth. You're all the same. You disgust me.

wow, i really cant wait until the mods see some of this bullsh1t....

[fisQar]

wow, i really cant wait until the mods see some of this bullsh1t....

Are they going to ban me for stating my opinion? Ever heard of free speech?

[feedthegods666]

just read the motherfvcking rules, you cant be a complete @sshole and expect to not get banned. ive sed this a BILLION times
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!!

[fisQar]

just read the motherfvcking rules, you cant be a complete @sshole and expect to not get banned. ive sed this a BILLION times
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!!

I clearly pointed out exactly what I thought was the best part of the song, doesn't that seem constructive to you?

[feedthegods666]

it was sarcasm you stupid fvck

[fisQar]

it was sarcasm you stupid fvck

Really? Isn't that for me to decide?

[feedthegods666]

Really? Isn't that for me to decide?

well if it wasnt, then you're just a completely unemotional fvckhead

[fisQar]

well if it wasnt, then you're just a completely unemotional fvckhead

Stop crying, no one cares. *****.

[feedthegods666]

...um...this is just stupid...i really wish you would post something remotely intelligent sounding

[fisQar]

...um...this is just stupid...i really wish you would post something remotely intelligent sounding

I don't get where you get this kind of bull**** from. The stupidity of people like you never ceases to amaze me. It's as if theres a list of standard phrases that all of your kind use whenever you run out of arguments.

[feedthegods666]

im not even talking anymore, this is so retarded

[fisQar]

im not even talking anymore, this is so retarded

Yeah, you just run from the argument when you can't argue anymore. Thats the way to do it, the new way of life, run whenever it gets too hard for you. Girl.

[maggotfelon]

Wow dude you're really being a fvcking di.ckhead. I didn't really like the lyrics either but seriously... you will get banned for asinine(sp) comments such as:

The whole suicide part seemed fairly interesting, how about you try it?

It wouldn't be the first time. And please don't waste your time starting an arguement with me because you really seem like the type who just starts sh.it for the hell of it and I'm not about to feed your pathetic needs.

[feedthegods666]

thanks man :thumb:

[Baodegoth]

Yeah, you just run from the argument when you can't argue anymore. Thats the way to do it, the new way of life, run whenever it gets too hard for you. GirL.
..............?!?



sorry feed i had to do this.

[JessTheDrummer]

Wow, seems like there is a lotta f*ckin pr1cks on here. feed, I personally thought it was a very good song. Not exactly your usual, prolly even better. And wow, these people are pissing me off just reading it..

I'm dragged out inside and i can never see light
Your face in my eyes i can not sleep tonight
I think its a very good line.. Maybe if you cut out some of the suicide stuff, it'll be a better love song, it takes something from it. Gives it a rougher edge I guess. Or keep it if thats the effect you were looking for.. But anyways, I think it'd make a good song if it wasn't slipknot styled.. A slow song wouldnt kill you ;) Anyways, good job, the song rocked 8.5/10

[feedthegods666]

thank you jess. you are INCREDIBLY cool. this isnt my style at all, but im quite in love with my girlfriend and she is pretty much everything to me. the suicide references are REAL so, im not gonna take them out and it adds an edge to the song that i want to keep. but still, thanks Jess you're mad cool

[JessTheDrummer]

lol, oh fun, I'm *cool* lol.. Nah, jp.. The edge is awesome, I was just givin up some ideas. once I find my lyric book back (Gawd, my floor swallowed it) Then I'll leave you a few sites for mine ^.^

[feedthegods666]

mad cool dudette :thumb:

[Bexi]

I don't understand your point fisQar.....

Crit ok..next post

[Arm_The_Homeless]

No rythm and I was choking on the rhyme. Seemed like your average cliché love/suicide song as written, but I find most of them end up that way as well. There's some really good lines in there but theres about an equal ammount of very cliché one's, too. You could really be helped out by reading some blank verse poetry and learning that style, anyone can rhyme but it takes skill to have rythm. You do have some good material to work off though and I think if you learned rhthm it could be a kick great song and would definately score some points with your girlfriend.