Kill the Sun (MUST be crit)

[Rubedo]

I feel that I was a more straightforward and angrier writer way back in grade 9. The very long addition at the end after the 3rd chorus was a seperate song, but the riff sucked, so I just mashed the two songs together into THIS...

I hate those people with school spirit
D'ya hear the gossip, those stories? I don't wanna hear it
They walk and trample over the somewhat feeble
The trends and stereotypes I don't wanna fear it

This place here I am no one
My face fades the day is done
Before day is likely gone
All we've done was kill the sun

I'm not really there I'm all alone
Treated like crap so I'll just stay home
Is this what I get for having a mind of my own?
I'm sick of the bull**** and all the clones

This place here I am no one
My face fades the day is done
Before day is likely gone
All we've done was kill the sun

[spoken]
Daily all the teens suffer under the bull****
Which have been dealt by their opposite stereotypes
The ones who "fit in" give into the peer pressure
The pressure given by their so called "friends"
Once the clique has formed
They pick on a high amount of kids with issues
Causing an uprise to their suicidal thoughts
Also the ones who are not afraid to be theirselves
And stand out as individuals
*Revengeance will stand for those who beg to differ

This place here I am no one
My face fades the day is done
Before day is likely gone
All we've done was kill the sun

What a waste of time you stupid clique
What makes you think that I'm a freak
How about you being so **** weak
Believing rumours about me
You're a group full of bull****
Everyday confronted can't deal with it
So who gives a **** if I don't wanna fit?
I just don't care what you think
Stories get exagerated
That's when things get complicated
No one dares to hesitate it
Just loving the lie and rushing to say it
You rag on people for their taste and style
Harrassed their thoughts and killed their smiles
Making their mistakes critical and dire
Shut your mouth, maybe we can breathe for a while

YOU
Fill your minds...with these lies
You're the group...I despise

*Revengeance: the name of my band.

Note that all this was inspired by Korn's first entire album, and obviously my own experiences.

[Steerpike]

Not typically my style, but it does have a nice structure to it. And I can sympathize with the situation. My whole life, I've refused to do anything anybody's way except my own, and it's gotten me my *** kicked a few times.

[Sloth]

I feel that I was a more straightforward and angrier writer way back in grade 9 wasn't everyone?

just one complaint so far....use punctuation, it's you're best friend is writing.

I like the "kill the sun" line.
KoRn, ay? I got that kinda feel while reading the spoken part. It just seems too Teen Angst in a bitchy way.. one of those "high school was the worst part of my life" (((said in a whinny voice))) types of songs...
Just fix the needy, "I'm mad" feel to it and it could work.
i like the idea of hating school spirit too kinda... just edit it some and that part will be cool

[Sloth]

(((i hate doing this...but))) Can you crit my Dream Life Theory when you get a chance? It's somewhere back a little..

[Rubedo]

Thanks all, if I find it then I will. Ah my stuff now isnt that angsty anymore, more rational and reasonable. Anyways then, if I can find your piece, I'll crit it.

[feedthegods666]

not too shabby. i like the spoken part, kind of Rage against the Machine in WAKE UP. everyone knows that song. kind of weird, but not too bad.

someone please crit my three songs!
Yesterday
Raven
Scream at me

[hurting]

i really like this song and i can relate to it RIGHT now :) please tell me... how old r u? im 14 which makes me in year 10 (im in england u c)

[SickoKid]

As soon as I read it I thought Korn, and I love them so I thought it was pretty well done, especially the breakdown kinda part like in Faget which you wrote well. My only criticism was that the rhymes sometimes seemed a little too forced and of course this style of music fits into the nu-metal genre, not that that is a bad thing, except most of the songs aren't original, yet I thought you handled it pretty well, and not following the same song structure.

If you get the chance could you please crit mine, it's called "Machina Of The Modern Day World"

Thanks a lot
and good luck

[morrissey]

i really like this song and i can relate to it RIGHT now :) please tell me... how old r u? im 14 which makes me in year 10 (im in england u c)

Dude the song was 4 months old... just leave it alone already.

[espf-250htd06]

yea sounds like something somebody wrote in 9th grade chorus wouldnt bad but overall i hated it whiny cliche crap like everything else idk maybe iam just tired of iam so sad fell sorry for me songs

iam in high school iam not part of the in crowd wow who gives a **** get over it who wants to be like them anyway idk i just hate this subject and cant get past that
sorry

overall 4.3/10 check out my song checklist thanks