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View Full Version : The Duel (criticism appreicated)


Steerpike
07-24-2004, 03:00 PM
Lately, I've been writing a lot of music for the guys I jam with, but we don't have any lyrics or even a singer. I decided to take a stab at songwriting, but I only have two songs down so far. This is my second one, and I'd really appreciate it if anyone could give me some constructive criticism. Please also keep in mind that this is only the first draft.

The Duel

(Verse 1)
And so they approach out of the mist
Above them a silver sky
Threatens to shed it's tears
At last the time has come
After so many years
Each one, he is now a duelist

The ring of metal on metal sounds
Glinting blades have been drawn
They hide their growing fear
The air is deathly still
The rivalry ends here
The blood of two men shall stain the ground

(Chorus)
Neither remembers how it started
Neither cares why it goes on
The duelists live only to fight
And pass it on to their sons

(Verse 2)
Flashes of steel, cutting of flesh
The blood falls to the earth
And yet neither relents
Shadows lie upon them
To bury the remnants
The duel ends with a final slash

(Chorus)
Neither remembers how it started
Neither cares why it goes on
The duelists live only to fight
And pass it on to their sons

(Verse 3)
Years pass since the duelist met his fate
His son steps forward now
And so the sword gleams bright
Forgiveness could stop it
Spare them this endless fight
But it's far too easy to hate

(Chorus)
Neither remembers how it started
Neither cares why it goes on
The duelists live only to fight
And pass it on to their sons

Steerpike
07-25-2004, 02:08 PM
Okay, I seriously hate having to bump my own thread, but please, if anyone could even give me a single bit of criticism, that would be great. At least let me know if I'm on the right track. I don't have a whole hell of a lot of people around me who know about songwriting that I can show this to.

I mean, come on. What would some of you think if you posted a song asking for feedback and were just ignored?

theredwonder
07-25-2004, 04:59 PM
personally, i'd say u ambushed the train half way along the track. i really like this, especially -

Above them a silver sky
Threatens to shed it's tears

its kind of a wierd topic to write about, unless your using this as a metaphor for something, or to prove a point about forgiveness. if you've only writted two songs, then i congratulate you my man. :thumb: some of the rhyme seems a little forced tho, and some lines out of place. but overall i like the way its almost a mini story, and sort of a poem. nice, nice. 8/10

cud u crit mine perhaps? -

http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=212345

shameless plugging practised here :D

Steerpike
07-25-2004, 05:21 PM
Yeah, the rhyme scheme isn't that great. I'm trying to think of a way to revise it without disrupting the flow of the song.

Basically, the ongoing rivalry and duels are supposed to be a message that shows how humans find it so easy to hate each other, but when it comes to love or forgiveness we're all but incapable. So I kind of set up this little scene with a duel between families. They don't remember why they're fighting and they don't even care anymore why they're trying to kill each other. All they know is that they hate each other and they can't let it go.

Thanks for the advice, though. Imagery like the lines you mentioned is really what I'm shooting for to try and create a very cinematic feel when brought together with the music.

I'll check out yours and give you my thoughts.

feedthegods
07-28-2004, 04:46 PM
as you said yourself, the rhyme scheme isnt so great, (is there one?) i liked your other one a lot more, but still. quality work man. perhaps you could turn it into a poem? then the rhyme scheme wouldnt matter, chicks dig poetry man :cool:

Lucky Savage
07-28-2004, 07:06 PM
Like feedthegods said, this would seem much better as a poem. The chorus seems a bit weaker to me than the rest of the piece, maybe you could work on that? Otherwise this is phenomenal for only your second piece, keep it up :thumb:

Perhaps you could crit my piece titled "Memories"? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=214029

/shameless advertising

LOAfan
08-04-2004, 02:10 PM
"And so they approach out of the mist
Above them a silver sky
Threatens to shed it's tears
At last the time has come
After so many years
Each one, he is now a duelist"
`I think this is a great opening verse to the song. Like the one dude said before it's like a story. I just don't like the last line of it. I know the ryhme scheme you picked, and it's kinda odd.

"The ring of metal on metal sounds
Glinting blades have been drawn
They hide their growing fear
The air is deathly still
The rivalry ends here
The blood of two men shall stain the ground"
`Good verse. It fits the song very well

"Neither remembers how it started
Neither cares why it goes on
The duelists live only to fight
And pass it on to their sons"
`Good idea for a chorus. It fits the song perfectly

"Flashes of steel, cutting of flesh
The blood falls to the earth
And yet neither relents
Shadows lie upon them
To bury the remnants
The duel ends with a final slash"
`This is fine. All the lines are fine

"Neither remembers how it started
Neither cares why it goes on
The duelists live only to fight
And pass it on to their sons"
`This kinda seems weak, I dunno. I think you should keep the same message, but maybe change the wording

"Years pass since the duelist met his fate
His son steps forward now
And so the sword gleams bright
Forgiveness could stop it
Spare them this endless fight
But it's far too easy to hate"
`Good ending to the story


I personally don't really like the song due to it's subject matter. But, after really analyzing it, I have come to the conclusion that it is a good song, I just don't really like it....sorry

8/10(my opinion on the subject matter didn't affect this rating)

FE Maiden
12-09-2004, 09:05 PM
I think its awesome, definitely something to work with. Keep it with you and maybe you can figure it out. A true peice of music doesnt come in just a few seconds... work on it over time and make small changes until you like it.
Personally, I think this would do just fine in a song, I read it and one song pops right into my head. The Duellists. (If anyone doesn't know who wrote the song read my name.) And remember, not all songs have really good rhyming scheme. Alot of them dont. I would give it a 8-10/10.
Keep up the good work