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mshort813
07-19-2004, 01:32 AM
Dusk had arrived, strangling the daylight.
And the throttled sky hung low.
The tension in the air was sensed by passing anatomy.
It's time to render goodnight.
But you walk to your door without glancing back.
I saunter home alone with nothing but passing headlights.
All I see is the sky, jet black.

[CHORUS]
The answer to our vendetta has come.
Not in a flush of wine but a gush of blood.
Here's your futile apology unveiled.
Eyes where the seas of sorrow sailed.

When I heard the three most horrid words of my life.
The reality of the situation hit me like a knife.
I write these words as a sympathetic letter to you.
And as an apology that's long-overdue.

[CHORUS]

(Please forgive me,
Here's your bitter vindication.
Please forgive me,
This is the reality of fiction)

The last part in parenthesis is screamed in the backround while the lead singer sings the chorus. I was thinking of this song as a Thursday/Silverstein type of song. I know the syllable count is very off for the whole song so if anyone has any suggestions that will help, please post them here. If anyone has any suggestions, comments, or questions about anything, please post them here or e-mail me at mshort813@yahoo.com.
Thank you everyone who has read this and remember to leave a link to your song.

atdi come back
07-19-2004, 01:55 AM
that is amazing, i really really like it, and its perfect for the type of music u want (thursday) id give it a 9.5/10

mshort813
07-19-2004, 01:59 AM
thanks man. if you want me to crit anything, post it.

laula
07-19-2004, 02:27 AM
yeah, as soon as i saw the title i thought thursday, but only cus of their understanding of a...blah blah. But yes, i like it. Suits the whole style of just kinda random vocals and lyrics which dont rhyme etc. If you get me. 8.5/10
and sorry to hear about the friend, that sucks, but cool of your to write an apology in a song

BassManXtreme
07-19-2004, 02:36 AM
Dude, that is an amazing song, and I'm so sorry about your friend..

I keep looking, and I can't find anything wrong with it. Let me check again.

Nope, for its style and everything, this a perfect song, lyricwise. And if it matters, I generally hate sad songs.

Out of the average price of 99c this song is worth about $12.

factor46
07-19-2004, 08:02 AM
wow man. this is awesome. it reminds me of a "brand new" song. and their songwriter is the best. the only thing wrong with this is the reason you wrote it. it shouldnt have had to happen. sorry about your friend. if i was in this situation, i'd hate myself. anyways, great stuff. 9/10. :D


hey could you crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=209183
-thanks.

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http://factor46.tripod.com

Baodegoth
07-19-2004, 08:24 AM
1st- the whole situation sucks, sorry 'bout your friend.
2nd- the song is very good, the only word i don't like much is "vendetta" other than that is very good.all the feelings are there very well xpressed.

...and that's all i love the title btw. 8.5/10. good work

---------------
could you plz take a look? tanx
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=209194

mshort813
07-19-2004, 09:31 AM
thank you everyone very much for the crits. i really appreciate it. i am going to crit the two songs of the people who left links, so check your song later. thanks.

Maggotfelon420
07-19-2004, 09:36 AM
"Everything stopped, as I would have given everything to have ended our strife."
---This line didn't seem to flow too well. Maybe you could shorten it by a few words.

"The answer to our vendetta has come.
Not in a flush of wine but a gush of blood.
Here's your futile apology unveiled.
Eyes where the seas of sorrow sailed."
---I really liked this part.

Overall this is probably, IMO a 8.5/10 or somewhere in there. You made a good song out of a horrible situation. I hope it helped get some of the sh.it off of your chest.

Do me a fav and check out either of my songs:
Under the Lake
Untitled/spur of the moment crap

I won't let them leave the front page. So you shouldn't have to search for em.

Maggotfelon420
07-19-2004, 09:36 AM
-------------
Maggotfelon
POST COUNT: 878

mshort813
07-19-2004, 12:16 PM
thank you everyone for the comments. everyone who left titles of songs and links, check your song because i think i did everyones song. and if i forgot to do your song, please tell me.

Echleon
07-19-2004, 03:33 PM
really cool song, i like it alot, inform me when u right some new stuff :thumb:

Interstate
07-19-2004, 03:38 PM
holy s**t your song is amazing it really conveys the feelings you put across, really good imagery. I'm really sorry to here about your friend i've never had anyone close to me die that must really suck. good job with the song!

Stick-Munch
07-19-2004, 03:57 PM
Really really good. Great stuff

PAID2makeGIRLSpanic
07-19-2004, 04:13 PM
It's not your fault man, you couldn't have know that was gonna happen :(

but anyways, this song is awesome. It's one of the best i've read in any forums ever. I like the emotions in it, and the visual language you chose to use.

And yeah you're right, this is a very Thursday-ish song. But that's all good! Geoff Rickley is a great song writer. he would be proud. 9.8/10

Thanks for sharing this :)

gottiagoreallybad
07-19-2004, 04:39 PM
Really bloody good... But its really good reminds me of a freind. She'd really like it. Nice man really nice.
u must be really good at poety.

BlacklightGuitarist
07-19-2004, 04:44 PM
Loved it... Bloody awesome, and sorry for your loss. The only thing I didn't like was "passing anatomy." That seemed out of place.
9/10

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=208926

Chucktaylor_chick18
07-19-2004, 04:47 PM
AMAZING!!!..lol..wow, yea good imagery in this song...I could see it working with Thursday...or...Senses Fail.

Awww...situations like that make me sad to hear...but im sure he knows that your sorry :(

pardonmepete
07-19-2004, 07:29 PM
I'm happy to see such emotion in your song....its a great song and sorry about your friend...just a warning though, try not to make every song bitter and sad....I mean it works here...actually, its done wonderfully here...but just remember there is more to life than just the down side....Great job...9/10

herobehindthemsk
07-19-2004, 07:45 PM
dude, omg that was a great song.9.7/10.... sorry about your friend ....................could some 1 please crit "those little lies"

mshort813
07-19-2004, 08:34 PM
thank you everyone for the crits, they are much apreciated. and i am going to crit anyones song that left titles or links, so check your song later to see waht i wrote about it. thanks.

mshort813
07-20-2004, 10:28 AM
paidtomakegirlspanick, i went to your site and it was awesome. one of them was yours but i also got redirected to the tbs site. anyway, nice site and brand new, tbs, thursday and bright eyes kick *** man. cheers

pixiesfanyo
07-20-2004, 10:31 AM
Really nice job..It reminds me of the song Naploean Solo by At the Drive-in just because of the premise..but still it's very emotional and also very intelligent at the same time.

8.3/10

xHotwire5345x
07-20-2004, 11:31 AM
LOVED IT! Great Song.. Really Reminds me of Thursday or Sense's Fail.. 10/10 ive never seen this great of a work. Great Flow. Great Word Choice. This song is Amazing!!! Awesome Imagery!!! Im Sorry to Hear about Your Friend :( its great to see that you wrote your friend a song as an apology.. you dont see that very much.. im sure he knows your sorry.. Great Job! Id like to hear more of your stuff.. really!.. Could you crit my song? "This We Call a Tragedy" Front Page.. or 2ND thanks.. well done!!

mshort813
07-20-2004, 12:37 PM
hey thanks a lot hotwire and everyone else who read this song. i put somehting in your song "this we call a tragedy." i really liked the song.

Learn2beme
07-20-2004, 04:08 PM
This song would sound pretty **** good sung... with the verge of tears type voice going on.... i like it alot.. and can relate... sadly... Sorry man.

operation:cut throat
09-08-2004, 11:24 AM
this song is so great i had to bump it up. thsi is the greatest song on the forums ever and you are a great writer. this song is so amazing i cant get over. thank you for posting this thread and showing this to everyone. amazing work. 10/10. is 10/10 even legal on these forums?

mshort813
09-08-2004, 11:29 AM
wow this old. thanks operation:cutthroat. hidden in plain view is awesome man.

limemachine
11-06-2004, 09:31 PM
nice

Permanent Solution
11-06-2004, 09:40 PM
Very solid, I hadn't seen it before. I think a little overhyped personally, everyone talked about it and I expected a little more, not much though. Rhyming was my biggest issue with it, as a few rhymes were a little dry for my tastes. Very impressive though. :thumb:

mshort813
11-06-2004, 09:53 PM
Yeah thanks zeppelinfan. I thought it was a little overrated from the comments I got. It was weird. I wouldn't have given this song the crits that were posted here.

Permanent Solution
11-06-2004, 10:06 PM
Ah good, I was worried you might be offended after all the good crits haha :)

But still, it is very good regardless, so don't fix it if 99% of people love it, and 1% just like it eh? :p

mshort813
11-06-2004, 10:31 PM
Yeah, I won't change it. I'm pretty happy with the crits I got. Even though I am included in that 1%.