PLease crit and name

[PbEknight777]

[vs1]
walking through the pieces of my shattered life
i find a shard of the things i did in spite
of the fact that what i was doing was wrong
and i regret it now that its said and done

[ch]
why do i do this to my health
i'm self destructive
why do i do this to myself
anti-constructive

[vs2]
i stepped on a slice of my own memories
it pierced through my skin and made my conscience bleed
nothing that i do can heal this soul of mine
i do not think a band-aid will work this time

[ch]

[vs3]
who needs enemies when some live inside me
and they wage war when someone reminds me
i've despised these ghosts for much to long
they are the memories that i wish were gone

[ch]

[PbEknight777]

up up up

[NoMoreHate]

Hey, love the imagery of the speaker's "shattered life", especially about being cut by a shard and the bleeding conscience. Very original. best part for me is:

"who needs enemies when some live inside me", nice idea.

generally good structure and rhyme, couple of rhythm issues tho IMO, for example:

"walking through the pieces of my shattered life
i find a shard of the things i did in spite"
- As i said i like the imagery, but you might want to add another syllable or two in the second line. depends on how you sing it tho i guess.

Also slight repetition in the chorus with

"why do i do this to my health", and then "why do i do this to myself"
I would suggest possibly changing the second part to something like: "what makes me do this to myself".

Otherwise, good job i like the theme.

[NoMoreHate]

As for the name, how about something simple like "broken" or "Shards of life".

[Ashes In Your Mouth]

I like " Shattered Life" as a title

I like your verses but I think the chorus needs to be changed. It just doesn't grab/move me the way the verses did.

[SmileYourSoulIsWatching]

i do not think a band-aid will work this time okay...the song kicked @$$ but...one thing bugged me to all hell...gotta change band-aid. Something more fancy....Tourniquet might work or something like that...

[PbEknight777]

up to the top

[Ashes In Your Mouth]

I like the verses but I don't like the chorus

[Ashes In Your Mouth]

change band-aid to bandage

[PbEknight777]

yeah i agree with you all about the chorus it kinda sucks

[PbEknight777]

up to the top

[PbEknight777]

up to the top

[gottiagoreallybad]

Maybe try adding a second chorus after the 2nd verse that would help flow into the 3rd verse and the chorus ends the song really well.

[PbEknight777]

okay thanx good idea

[IRace2BeatGuys]

hey i liked the band aid part-shows hes a real person not using big fancy words. i like it

[knifeinhandbassist]

the second two lines in verse one i dont think make too much sense. i mean they flow and all but i just dont understand what youre trying to say you know. otherwise this is a pretty solid song.

[Chucktaylor_chick18]

I love it " stepped on a slice of my own memories, it pierced through my skin and made my conscience bleed"...i really like that line...

as for a name..
cut through my tough life [get to the bottom of things]? maybe?

[pixiesfanyo]

Yuck. It's like everything else I've ever read on this website. So I'll give you no points at all.

You should entitle this song "Crawling" since Linkin' Park already made it.

0.03/10

[CofDdrums12]

walking through the pieces of my shattered life
i find a shard of the things i did in spite
of the fact that what i was doing was wrong
and i regret it now that its said and done

The first two lines rhyme, which was a general theme for your verses...but "wrong" and "done" don't rhyme, I suggest fixing that.

I like everything else though...but...may I suggest making the verses or chorus longer?
It seemed a bit too short.

and for pixiesfanyo...
You should entitle this song "Crawling" since Linkin' Park already made it.
I know that song, and this isn't like it. So stop hatin'.

Nice job PbEknight777
8.5/10
Later for you.

[morrissey]

I like this more than the other one I just read... it offers some imaginative imagery, I suppose. I'm never very good at explaining why I like certain songs, but I like this one :thumb:

Sorry I can't offer any helpful advice...

Overall 8/10

[PbEknight777]

thanks cof, this an old thread but since i title all my threads the same it's kind of hard to know which is which

[Systemhasfailed]

i stepped on a slice of my own memories
it pierced through my skin and made my conscience bleed
nothing that i do can heal this soul of mine
i do not think a band-aid will work this time

I like this verse alot
And "Shattered Life" would be a good title
I think you could clean up the first verse a bit

of the fact that what i was doing was wrong
and i regret it now that its said and done

I don't like these two lines
Other then that it's good

7/10