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mshort813
04-23-2004, 10:22 AM
You're silouette is drawn in my mind.
It darkens with every note I find.
Notes filled with hatred, love, despair.
They conceal me with every swear.

CHORUS:
My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.

I hear your soft voice for it's the only reason I know I'm alive.
It's barely above a whisper but still above all the other cries.
It accompanies me on my long trip home.
It chills me to my every bone.

CHORUS:
My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.


give me some feedback on this song and ill help you with some of your own.

Davie_NFG
04-23-2004, 10:41 AM
You're silouette is drawn in my mind.
It darkens with every note I find.
Notes filled with hatred, love, despair.
They conceal me with every swear.

CHORUS:
My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.

I hear your soft cry for it's the only reason I know I'm alive.
It's barely above a whisper but still above all the other cries.
It accompanies me on my long trip home.
It chills me to my every bone.

CHORUS:
My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.


give me some feedback on this song and ill help you with some of your own.

Hey, i like this, it has a meaning and the ryhme scheme isn't using obvious ryhmes, i like the way you have incorporated the 1st line of the song to last line of the chorus, very nice touch, altho the second verse doesnt seem to flow with the 1st, altho this may b because the vocals speed up? i know this happens in some of my songs and people dont understand it, but all in all a very good song, keep writing, i'd love to see wot u produce next.

P.S Could u plz crit my song its called "break of day", there are 2 versions plz crit the both of them to c the differences, thanx

mshort813
04-23-2004, 11:04 AM
ok thanks for the crit. yeah i want to change the second verse but i was having some trouble with it so i thought i would post it anyway. i posted something in your song "break of day". its in the newer one.

Timetolivealittle
04-23-2004, 11:10 AM
I like it, it's cool... you're right about the second verse, maybe you should think about a different way of saying cries? cry and cries make it sound fairly repetitive, even though its not really...

Yep, its good, what sort of music is it going to be put to?

acousticelectricequilibrium
04-23-2004, 11:14 AM
id like to no what kind of music u intend to put it to but it sounds great so far.

mshort813
04-23-2004, 11:16 AM
yeah thanks. uh its going to be sort of a punk-pop song but it sounds a little more hardcore than pop.

Timetolivealittle
04-23-2004, 11:21 AM
what, sort of blink-182 type stuff? I think that would be good, i think it goes well with the genre. Its perhaps a little emo-y, but i'm not sure... lots of sad, angry references, it's very good.

mshort813
04-23-2004, 11:24 AM
not really so much blink 182 but something more like green day or offspring.

acousticelectricequilibrium
04-23-2004, 11:25 AM
yeah i think it sounds pretty emo but i guess u could do it as punk if u put a certain vibe/ sound to the voice keep it up :thumb:

mshort813
04-23-2004, 11:29 AM
yeah the lyrics could easily fall into a emo genre. my band wrote the intrumental part for this song and i think the lyrics flow pretty nicely with the music in the song so thats why its hard to think of this song as emo but thats only for me.

rest_in_pieces
04-23-2004, 01:35 PM
i liked that, i could easily envision that as a song.

the only thing i can point out (which you'll probably be able to clear up) is this:

"They conceal me with every swear"

I wasnt sure what that meant.

Good job though, :)

Could you crit my song please?: Click here (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172702&page=1&pp=20)

byron meiring
04-23-2004, 01:49 PM
hey dude
can you crit my song its not finished yet, but what do you think so far.
she likes the sound of rain on the tin roof.
she likes it when it falls down, then she cries because of me and i know its wrong.

she likes to tell me she doesnt care
she likes to think im unaware, and then she smiles because of me and know shes gone.

chorus
cos lately i see im notpretending to be but i, i keep on smilling
and lately i see its notyou but its me, but my world keeps on falling
and baby believe im the one who can see all your mourning.

anybody who knows what theyre talking bout can crit my song.

deadpuppy
04-23-2004, 01:52 PM
i liked this, it reminded me of a kind of horror-movie song for some reason, i'm not sure why. it's pretty good, can't think of any specific genre it could belong to though.
and byron meirling? don't place your song in someone elses thread, post your own thread.

limemachine
11-05-2004, 09:35 PM
hey byron meiring crit this kid first then ill crit yours
wait i already did
it needs work.
Shaboing

amp7325
11-05-2004, 10:13 PM
I think the song is pretty good. Although it's kinda short, I don't really see anything that jumps out at me as not belonging in the song. However, right before the second chorus, "It chills me to my every bone." Maybe use another word instead of bone, because the chorus starts out with bone. Maybe "It chills me to my very core" or something like that.

morrissey
11-05-2004, 11:26 PM
I like this song, though it is short and could definitely be expanded on. I like your rhyme scheme, it doesn't sound to cheesy or forced. You offer some good imagery (the line "sunlight bleeding" is very good), and overall I do enjoy this song, it flows well.

Overall 7.8/10

SPyK
11-06-2004, 12:40 PM
The chorus-
'My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.'

looks simelar to 3 days grace- i hate everything about you, but otherwise a cool song

mshort813
11-06-2004, 12:52 PM
aight, i dont like my song, so can we stop bumping it to tell me it sounds like three days grace. yeah, thanks. and also, i apreciate the crits.

Rousseau
11-06-2004, 03:43 PM
"The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind."

this is excellent. the image that it depicts is quite sinister and unsettling.

"It's barely above a whisper but still above all the other cries."

this line doens't completely convince me, something about it is odd. I don't know why or what exactly.
Overall i think its pretty good.

limemachine
11-08-2004, 01:47 PM
that dog.