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View Full Version : please crit my untitled song....none of that "i want to kill myself" stuff


TimeCannotExplain
04-09-2004, 01:37 PM
Ok....im new to this site even though ive been browsing it since Christmas..........But anyways, heres a song thats kind of personal with a hidden meaning.....i hope you enjoy it. (its untitled)


Mother Marys right behind me
whispering nonsense of a past long lost
Making all my praisings worthless
Changing everyone around me.

Watching like a stalking tiger
waiting for who the blame rests
tossing me into a world of complication
throwing indecision in after me

Why cant we be together?!
Why am I gone forever?!
Why cant we sleep foreever?
one last time.....forever

(let me see you one more time
please,god, let her call me mine)

Paranoia sits upon my shoulders
breathing down my neck to die
Making confusion in my head
Trying to make me pass this time

Why cant we be together?!
Why am I gone forever?!
Why can’t we sleep together?
One last time…. forever…


thats it! please crit!

Sloth
04-09-2004, 01:57 PM
It doesn't do much for me, but it's not bad.
Post more of your writing and don't forget to crit other people's stuff.

Music rockS
04-09-2004, 02:04 PM
Its okay.

The hidden message wouldn't have something to with jesus, or god would it. The first verse gives me that idea.

TimeCannotExplain
04-09-2004, 02:06 PM
lol.....no it doesnt...thanks guys by the way..i'll be sure to crit some of your stuff...

chaos00
04-09-2004, 03:11 PM
Trying to fing structure in the verses. The chorus is OK - nothing shouts death like the overused phrase "sleep forever" or "forever sleep"....

Hard to write riffs to.. sorry - maybe you should take the idea and simple up the content to give it more of a rhythm. Sometime less words in a sentence is better than more...

TimeCannotExplain
04-09-2004, 03:42 PM
thanks chaos...i'll be sure to crit some of your stuff

TimeCannotExplain
04-09-2004, 04:02 PM
oh.....i didnt notice before.....i didnt mean to die in the part "why cant we sleep forever".no i didnt mean it to be about death

TimeCannotExplain
04-09-2004, 10:49 PM
*bump*

switchbladeX
04-09-2004, 10:59 PM
i thikn thats really good. keep up the good work. good job son.

TimeCannotExplain
04-10-2004, 01:47 PM
ah.........bumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbum pbumpbumpbump

already x fell
04-10-2004, 06:05 PM
i think you have a nice idea and can really turn this into a good song--i wont lie, theres alot of work to do but if you take what you already have and reshape it abit its not that bad dude :-)

TimeCannotExplain
04-10-2004, 06:17 PM
thanks man......ii'll crit some of your stuff now

TimeCannotExplain
04-10-2004, 09:52 PM
ah.......is it that bad people? Bump

switchbladeX
04-10-2004, 10:45 PM
no i liked it.

TimeCannotExplain
04-12-2004, 05:05 PM
lol.........i knew YOU liked it switchblade.....but noones commenting so i said that, my bad bro..... BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP

magic13237
04-12-2004, 07:54 PM
good start needs a little more clarity maybe a metaphor short and sweet of course. It has a dark romantic feel, i once read that you should write what you feel. Now that doesn't neccasarilly mean you have to write what you know but whats inside of you. You make it sound like you wish to write as a transendalist but it comes out with a little southern goth. my advice is to be true to self. I like the message and the need you convey in the song.

Leaves
04-12-2004, 11:25 PM
It's...okay. First off, the line "waiting for who the blame rests" doesn't make sense to me. Gramatically, it would be "for whom the blame rests upon" or something like that. Unless I'm misinterpreting it. Secondly, I don't like the AAAA rhyming of the chorus. I think you should change the first line of the chorus to a non-rhyme, so that it's ABBB. I think that would give it a fresh sound, and take away the lame-ish "together/forever" rhyme. Try to use a more poetic or metaphoric line as the replacement, too. A small change like that could really make this song way better.

rimmey
04-13-2004, 02:14 AM
tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.

Speedhorn666
04-13-2004, 04:17 AM
tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.
lmao the man is correct:

http://www.lyricsdir.com/t/tool/sober.php

U made a bad job of imitating it 2. It no longer flows

Leaves
04-13-2004, 03:46 PM
tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.

Oh my god, you're right. I can't believe I didn't notice it before. Wow, compared to Maynard, these lyrics really suck.

SoCo0587
04-13-2004, 04:56 PM
lol thats sad

Learn2beme
04-13-2004, 05:15 PM
you know
i am trying to contemplate if you tried to really say you wrote this.... or what? i mean wow... your a dumbass... good idea would be not to post on here again... unless of course it was all a mistake then i would say "copnsider revising" but it wasnt a mistake.. or i highly doubt it.... but if it was i take back the dumbass comment

ChickenSalad
04-13-2004, 06:54 PM
I like it. Its not dazzling, but its definatley not bad.

I like...

Watching like a stalking tiger
waiting for who the blame rests
tossing me into a world of complication
throwing indecision in after me

This piece struck me. very nice piece.

6/10 overall!!

xDoomedx
04-13-2004, 11:49 PM
I don't think it would be that hard. To write a riff to "sleep forever" actually, if i knew how to play the things in my head on guitar. It would good. Not to blow my own horn, but in my opinion I think it would give it that affect, however, what I think and the writer thinks is two diffrent things.

CaptainInsano
04-14-2004, 01:58 AM
Just admit you ripped off Sober

Sober Lyrics

There's a shadow just behind me
Shrouding every step I take
Making every promise empty
Pointing every finger at me
Waiting like a stalking buttler
Who upon the finger rests
Murder now, the pattern called "must we"
Just because the son has come

Jesus,wont you ****ing whistle ?
Something but the past and done
Jesus, wont you ****ing whistle
Something but the past and done

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over
And why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start this over

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a centre in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down

Mother Mary, won't you whisper?
Something but what's past and done
Mother Mary, won't you whisper?
Something but what's past and done

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over
And why can't we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over
And why?

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a centre in you
I will chew it up and leave

Trust me

*Chorus

I want it when I want it

already x fell
04-14-2004, 11:38 AM
JESUS WONT YOU ****ING WHISTLE!
why can we not be soberrrrrr

holy SH*T how come i didnt notice this....well isnt that interesting..mixing sober with your other stuff. ahaha well...hmm...def. work on making it not sound like a sh*tty copy/interpretation from a tool song

maynards the man

foxor
04-19-2004, 01:57 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SUCH AN OBVIOUS RIPOFF

You're pathetic.

You know, Its too bad there's none of that "I want to kill myself" stuff. If there were I could only hope you'd go through with it.

Genesis
04-19-2004, 06:58 AM
*Hmmz*

I hadnt heard that sober song before, so i dunno really

I like your basic idea, but it could be improved and more original, there are already lots of "trying to be depressing songs"

ABulldog
04-19-2004, 01:17 PM
It does sound like you ripped it off......
I would get rid of all that stuff that resembles Sober and change it. It could be salvaged into a different song.

andrea
04-19-2004, 01:38 PM
guys..
what does bump mean?
sorry


oh yeah and the song is pretty good
first verse made me instantly think of "Let it Be" by the Beatles though

El Diablo
04-19-2004, 02:20 PM
i think the title should be sober! if ur gunna rip off sum1's work at least u chose sum1 gd to rip off but lousy attempt at doing it....hahah
NICK

TimeCannotExplain
05-02-2004, 10:23 AM
whoa whoa whoa guys...i dont even listen much of tool...let me check that one out

Arm_The_Homeless
11-04-2004, 01:36 AM
This Fucking thing is Tool Mad Libs. You are a jackass and its pretty sad that you couldn't even make a decent knock off of a great song. I noticed it was a knock off halfway through the second line but I do listen to Tool constantly and basically have their last 3 albumns memorized. You suck and don't try to play it off that you diddn't know that's what you were doing. That's even lower than stealing thier shit. Don't post.