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View Full Version : Broken **crit this and i will crit you!!**


midget of the night
02-04-2004, 01:37 PM
umm... song i wrote about one of my best friends who is dying... it doesn't have a chorus, it's just verses.

this whole critiquing deal: i will leave a comment with suggestions (if i have any) on one of your threads. but i will probably not even consider it if you leave some dumb comment like "this sucks" or "this is good" or something. tell me what you like! tell me what i should fix! surprise me??? i dunno.

Broken

i am broken, i can't feel
right behind the steering wheel
my mind is bleeding thoughts of you
don't know what i'm going to do

i think i'll drive into this wall
it's made of brick, stand 10 feet tall
"i'm gonna die" you said to me
tears fill my eyes and i can't see

if you're dying then i am too
can't take this **** that you've been through
this is the worst it's ever been
my other half, my finest friend

i say goodbye to your sweet face
and as you're leaving from this place
i hold your hand and touch your cheek
it's hard to see you when you're weak

i close your eyes for you my dear
now you are ridden of your fear
and as i blow your face a kiss
i swallow a bullet... it's come to this

Dubblebassdrum89
02-04-2004, 01:43 PM
nice song what i was told when i first started writing songs is dont try to rhyme everything but u hav done a gud job with keepin it flowing

andyroo4
02-04-2004, 01:50 PM
chilling ending, i like it

TCsmartie
02-04-2004, 02:36 PM
i think you could make some of the rhymes more interesting and less predictable. eg. don't know what i'm going to do.......... you could change the 'do' to something else. lol. Its really very good because you have kept the rhyming constant throughout. If you worked a bit more on it, it would be an excellent set of lyrics.

kickasscowboy
02-04-2004, 02:38 PM
didnt i just crit this in another thread?

Just Like That
02-04-2004, 02:51 PM
This is pretty good, I agree with the rhyming, but since it flowed with that, it worked. I don't think that this needs a chorus, maybe just a bridge, something different to push it along.

El Diablo
02-04-2004, 03:25 PM
k here goes

i am broken, i can't feel
right behind the steering wheel
my mind is bleeding thoughts of you
don't know what i'm going to do

This stanza has potential but the last two lines need a bit of work maybe change the last line so it ends in true sumthing more original anyway

i think i'll drive into this wall
it's made of brick, stand 10 feet tall
"i'm gonna die" you said to me
tears fill my eyes and i can't see

I like this as you've kept the idea of tears filling your eyes rom the first verse and the first couplet is a gd one

if you're dying then i am too
can't take this **** that you've been through
this is the worst it's ever been
my other half, my finest friend


I think this would work best as your chorus..the rhyming patern seems different and it sums up the whole song...defiantely a chorus.[I]

i say goodbye to your sweet face
and as you're leaving from this place
i hold your hand and touch your cheek
it's hard to see you when you're weak

overall a good stanza nuthing to chamnge here[I]

i close your eyes for you my dear
now you are ridden of your fear
and as i blow your face a kiss
i swallow a bullet... it's come to this

the bst stanza in my opinion really gd song overall hope ive helped

NICK

Fallen_Angel666
02-04-2004, 03:31 PM
Very nice man, i really like the ending it's very powerful and a good choice of words in alot of it but i think it would help to go through and do some editing with syllables and such but otherwise, nice piece.

hurting
12-14-2004, 02:31 AM
i love this song its gr8
but i think ive seen it sumwhere else but for a girls father

Distance Distortion Factor
12-14-2004, 02:58 AM
oaky here goes all my comments will have a // in front of them

Broken

i am broken, i can't feel
right behind the steering wheel
my mind is bleeding thoughts of you
don't know what i'm going to do

//The first line is a little weak...the first line is stating you've entered a period where you have become walled by your own shock...and while it you were going for a rhyming scheme, and it paints a setting, you should consider making this a bit stronger, this is your friends life and your reaction to the loss, strong imagery is must...

i think i'll drive into this wall
it's made of brick, stand 10 feet tall
"i'm gonna die" you said to me
tears fill my eyes and i can't see

//Direction on this is good, but once again weak imagery, it paints an almost cartoonish picture in my head here's a suggestion....




if you're dying then i am too
can't take this **** that you've been through
this is the worst it's ever been
my other half, my finest friend

//personal feelings once again, try to paint this stronger, your sympathizing with your want for a way out. This person obviously means everything to you, so naturally you want to follow..your devotion could be much better painted


i say goodbye to your sweet face
and as you're leaving from this place
i hold your hand and touch your cheek
it's hard to see you when you're weak

//this is sweet right here, but im starting to notice that your moving through your wall, part of this song is your reaction, and you have written this in pretty standard psycological pattern....shock, to pain, to anger, to grief, to letting go. you might want to consider revising this as a chorus, because its the i've moved passed this now, though it pains me to see this, which is the overall theme of the song.

i close your eyes for you my dear
now you are ridden of your fear
and as i blow your face a kiss
i swallow a bullet... it's come to this[/QUOTE]

//Move this passage its regressive. This is your grief statment, mixed with an angered moment, it should come before your "passing" moment in the song. this part is pivoital and states your want and need to join your friend,
your (metophorical?) temptation to end your own life.

//for closing statments and recommendation, try taking this piece and use it as a point to do a freewriting. Your main problem area in this is imagery. remember that a good polished piece is going to make the audience sympathize wholely with your position or evoke some other strong reation. I think if you take the time to freewrite you will be able to come back to this with a strong second draft that will get those reaction.

//If you want to check out some really strong lyrics to concept from to get a better idea, check out "space dye vest" by dream theater, which is along this same concept, dealing with pain and loss. Otherwise a nice start and I hope to see an excellent draft of this in the future.

morrissey
12-14-2004, 12:01 PM
you do realize this song was from almost a year ago, right?

Don't bump old songs. :wave:

andy_roo10
12-14-2004, 12:06 PM
hahahaha, i wonder if he's dead yet

Infinatedestiny
12-14-2004, 03:39 PM
yea....good song 7/10. only cuz im not sure if this has been copied and put on

gwerkjkgukerhfvoiusdhgoiewrhgi
12-14-2004, 08:22 PM
yes very good song i will give it a 8/10. the chorus needs some work, but i think in time, if you work on this a bit it will be really good!

A_Perfect_Sonnet
12-14-2004, 08:24 PM
idiots

morrissey
12-14-2004, 08:25 PM
song i wrote about one of my best friends who is dying
ummm I really don't want to seem mean or anything... and I really don't want to offend anybody... but this song was from like a year ago, and... read that sentence. Yeah...