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Jofus_the_Canadian
02-03-2004, 11:43 PM
Hey all...how's it going? Long time since I've been in here. I've been out and about...workin and schoolin and all that jazz. I haven't really written much since I left...just bits and pieces. So here's my latest finished piece...crit and tear apart and whatnot. I'll get to critting as soon as I'm typin this ****e out.

Yesterday

Spoken with a random intertwining guitar/bass line
Imagine...today...we will spend 24 hours with the world spinning in the opposite direction. Tomorrow...you will be able to replay all of yesterday. Would you say or do anything different? Would you try to make a difference? Think about it.
Everything stops

Music joins in with vocals
I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm...

Standing alone
Away from home
With everything floating all around me

I cannot sleep
I've dug deep
But I cannot find where I'm supposed to be

Pre-chorus
I'm so gently washed away
Take me back to yester-day
I'm blind and water filled
My presentation's getting killed

Everything stops
By the...

Chorus
Strange thoughts running through my head
Everyone around me's bottle-fed
And I can't open up my mind
Because...I'm weak and approaching color-blind
I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm...

Fearing the light
Of my own fight
I may be the only one who finds it hard

To...

Stand all alone
Away from home
There's a shadow in the courtyard

Pre-chorus
I could approach it quiet
But then I could scare it
What good will a shadow be
And yesterday beyond me

Chorus

Bridge

Chorus

Extro
I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm going
Take me back to yesterday

Everything stops again
Spoken
It's a decision you'll never get to make

[i]Final chord[i]

That about does it for that. Let me know...positive and negative crits. Before I forget...the music is very sporatic. There's 2 different time signatures...one for the verses and one for the pre and choruses. I don't know who to compare this to musically. It's still a work in progress though musically. This is just an idea for the lyrics. Get back to me. Cheers. (Haven't said that in a while.)

BlacklightGuitarist
02-04-2004, 02:31 AM
I really like it... As in, I'd put it with some of the best stuff I've seen here. I really like the idea of the music, and the lyrics are well-done... Nothing forced. Great work.

JohnnyTrash
02-04-2004, 02:38 AM
real good, diffrent and brilliant, keep up the good work m8, supurb, the lyrics work great

Jofus_the_Canadian
02-04-2004, 02:48 PM
Thanks for compliments guys. Muchly appreciated. My system also works like this...I bump a piece of mine 3 times and then it's off to the archives. So technically...this is bump #1. Cheers.

Evolve
02-05-2004, 08:46 AM
I love it.
There's so much rhythm to it, I can almost hear it... the Chorus is brilliant as is the Extro... clap clap clap to you! :thumb:

I would seriously LOVE to hear this done up with the works.. drums guitars, the lot. It would rock!

9/10.


:wave: Carina.

Jofus_the_Canadian
02-06-2004, 08:01 AM
Thanks Carina...appreciate it a lot. Cheers.

Official bump #2.

SubtleDagger
02-06-2004, 09:28 AM
I don't like it much. I'd say the biggest problem is that you're just saying how you are most of the time... "I'm this, I'm that", stuff like that. In order to make a better song, you need to branch out from simply saying how you feel and say it in a different (and hopefully more ambiguous) way. A few of the rhymes feel forced, but it does have a bit of promise. 5/10

Evolve
02-06-2004, 10:24 PM
I find that the way you say 'I'm this…? (etc) ... places emphasis on the way you feel and the way you want your audience to understand you ( the message you’re sending out), which is fantastic because in the end you want to reach an audience and to try to tell a story. In my opinion, I think it's one of the highlights of the song; it's as if you have a lot on your mind and so much to say. The repetition in it is also very effective.


I don't think I’m ready
I don't think I’m...

That part right there would sound incredible.




***Carina***

joshmay
02-06-2004, 10:39 PM
that is incredibly wonderful, the music would accent it perfectly. i LOVE this. 9.9994/10

:D

Jofus_the_Canadian
02-08-2004, 10:59 PM
Thanks to Subtle, Carina and Josh...muchly appreciated. Carina...that's twice you've talked on this thread...are you tryin to tell me something? Maybe you like this one perhaps? ;) Ohhh...such a sad excuse for a bump #3.

gaslight
02-09-2004, 03:20 AM
Hey man...

We both came back with a new song at like the same time :confused:. Man I haven't done this in ages...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm...

Standing alone
Away from home
With everything floating all around me

Good start, but it seems like it will need a break in between those two parts, so that the "I don't think I'm..." doesnt run on into "standing alone" which would reverse the meaning. I think...

I cannot sleep
I've dug deep
But I cannot find where I'm supposed to be

Dig it :thumb:.

I'm so gently washed away
Take me back to yester-day
I'm blind and water filled
My presentation's getting killed

Good verse, rhyme is effective, it reminds of the whole Jofus rock style.

Everything stops
By the...

Cool - I'm guessing it signals a change in music because no lyrics seem to follow it.

Strange thoughts running through my head
Everyone around me's bottle-fed
And I can't open up my mind
Because...I'm weak and approaching color-blind
I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm...

It is a good verse - I like how it draws together previous ideas; blindness, don't think I'm ready, etc. The bottle-fed line is a good one.

Fearing the light
Of my own fight
I may be the only one who finds it hard

Good last line, first two don't seem the best though.

To...

Stand all alone
Away from home
There's a shadow in the courtyard

Great verse I like it a lot.

I could approach it quiet
But then I could scare it
What good will a shadow be
And yesterday beyond me

Another real good verse, standard of writing is up in this one, paints a much better picture.

I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm going
Take me back to yesterday

Good way to round it all off again, and start to bring it together, especially when you mentioned a sporadic style.

Everything stops again
Spoken
It's a decision you'll never get to make

And the ending :thumb:.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Good to see you again man, another solid effort :thumb:.

werrrdo
02-11-2004, 08:29 PM
dude, hey man, keep on adding to it, this should be like one of those really good 10 minut songs that go on forever, this could be put to almost any kind of music, except for country, or punk, or punkish or ska. Blues, rock, hard rock, metal, alternative, and some others would be something to think about putting the song to, anyway, those are my opinions on this song... KEEP WRITING, SOUNDS REALLY KICKASS

Jofus_the_Canadian
02-12-2004, 10:25 PM
Wow...Gaslight...long time no see. Good to see you've noticed I've stolen your basic setup on how to crit stuff. Werrrdo...thanks for the comments. I didn't think this would be up here for so long. I decided that I'd put this little lick in for the intro:

- - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - -
- - - 9/11 9 6 6 9 -
- - - - - - - - 9
9 9 - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - -

That's the opening lick...a little variation for some of the other stanzas...I'll keep you up to date on this...it's starting to get a little Incubus vibe I think. Cheers.

Jofus_the_Canadian
02-12-2004, 10:31 PM
Whoa...that looks like crap...ummm...let's see if I can't fix that...

- - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - -
- - - 9/11 9 6 6 9 -
- - - - - - - - 9
9 9 - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - -

Hopefully this looks a little better. Cheers.

Jofus_the_Canadian
02-12-2004, 10:33 PM
Dammit...oh well. I tried. Cheers all.

Evolve
02-13-2004, 12:36 AM
Carina...that's twice you've talked on this thread...are you tryin to tell me something? Maybe you like this one perhaps? ;) Ohhh...such a sad excuse for a bump #3.


:lol: lol yeah, I have a hidden agenda ;) :p
No, no, wouldn't want you to think i'm a freak, I do actually like your song.





:wave: Carina.

Jofus_the_Canadian
04-15-2005, 12:58 PM
Hello to all...

I'm back...really friggin bored...and wanted to bring back an oldie to see what the new branch of MXers think. I'll try to get on here more often to crit some stuff...

Hopefully I'll hear from some old and new faces alike...

Take er easy...CRIT AWAY!!! Hahaha

Cheers
Joe

Jofus_the_Canadian
04-16-2005, 01:47 AM
One more time and I'll let this puppy rest...I just figured I'd see if I could get any response on this one...