New Song, Please Crit.

[Oblique]

New one I wrote today

Struggle For Your Life

The flame is getting colder
It's going out, It's lost the fight
This can't get much older
We've been lost in the hindsight
Of all of our selfish rejections
From all of our concieted delight
And we'll be the ones to take the injection
We'll be the ones who ruin our own lives

We're losing the fight
The fight our own lives
We're losing our sight
The sight to survive
When will these people learn
That we're corrupting ourselves
Be being what you've become
You're putting us back on shelves

Take a look at that picture
Its been broken, Lost inside
All along you've been sure
That we'd never be outside
Of all of our perfect reflections
From all of our thinning facades
And you'll be the one to have the infection
We'll be the ones that end up failing twice

Struggle for your life (You Must)
Struggle for your life (Or Die)
We need to, Believe you
When you say that you will shape
You have to, Really do
All those things that you will make

[Oblique]

Why does no one crit my songs?

[bottleneck]

the first verse is really good. you lost me in the chorus though. the losing the fight and sight thing wasn't good. the second verse was not near as strong as the first one. i would say it needs cleaned up and rewritten. don't change the first verse much though it's pretty good. you can't write gems all the time, i know i written some bad ones. (probably all of them)

[poisonhearted]

here is a crit for thys song:


1 The flame is getting colder
2 It's going out, It's lost the fight
3 This can't get much older
4 We've been lost in the hindsight
5 Of all of our selfish rejections
6 From all of our concieted delight
7 And we'll be the ones to take the injection
8 We'll be the ones who ruin our own lives

||very nice. i liked it alot. the lines flowed very well together. but i didnt like the first 3 lines very much. they are too weak. i love lines 4, 5, 6, and 8. i think 7 needs some re-tooling though||

9 We're losing the fight
10 The fight our own lives
11 We're losing our sight
12 The sight to survive
13 When will these people learn
14 That we're corrupting ourselves
15 Be being what you've become
16 You're putting us back on shelves

||this sorta brings the it down a notch or two. it starts off great then it dies off. this needs to be stronger or not in there at all||

17 Take a look at that picture
18 Its been broken, Lost inside
19 All along you've been sure
20 That we'd never be outside
21 Of all of our perfect reflections
22 From all of our thinning facades
23 And you'll be the one to have the infection
24 We'll be the ones that end up failing twice

||this is better but still isnt very strong. the last line sounds a bit awkward. 21 and 22 are the stand out lines to me in this stanza||

25 Struggle for your life (You Must)
26 Struggle for your life (Or Die)
27 We need to, Believe you
28 When you say that you will shape
29 You have to, Really do
30 All those things that you will make

||this doesnt fit with the song at all. the reading of it, the flow, the meter of it. it just doesnt fit the rest of the style. this needs to be taken out or worked on||


overall i think it is pretty good. just needs i some minor adjustments. i hope you find my crit acceptable.


andrew

[xchris1023]

i think its good.. even though oblique is a fool.. you are a retard oblique. just kidding. whats up man? (watch me post w***re