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2013 Is The Real Apocalypse

The end of an old year and the start of a new one is perfect for musohacks to fill up space in their dog-eared magazines and laggy websites. December sees retrospectives that tend to be useless insofar as it’s stuff you and they already know. Come the new year, come a new way to fleece your audience; the BBC’s Sound of <year> collection is heavily plagiarised as writer’s pokerface us and say “Hey, we knew about this lot all along!”

What seperates Sputnik Music from the other sites is the technology available to us. For reasons best left unknown, all staff now have access to a computer that pings emails from the future. One future staff member (name not revealed so as to prevent paradox) decided to reveal the big talking points on a year ahead for us, but one already forgotten for them:

  • Captain Beefheart returns from the grave! Not content with being dead, the man also known as Don Van Vliet found out the other side just wasn’t as cool as he thought it would be. His return was heralded as one of the most shocking of all time, and his move onto the lucrative after-dinner speech circuit propelled him right into the heart of public affairs. It wasn’t to last, however. After attempting to strangle Barack Obama at a $10,000 a head White House dinner, the Captain caught fire and quickly combusted in the Oval Office. His last words? “Ah feel like battery acid.” Eventually it transpired that Beefheart wasn’t actually dead. Nor had he ever been alive. What we knew as the Captain was actually a robot designed by Jon Van Vliet, AKA Captain Bee Fart. This keen apiarist turned reclusive inventor suffered from crippling bouts of stage-fright, leading to the creation of the avant garde android. Finally, it turned out THAT too was a ruse and the whole thing was a contrived Kraftwerk practical joke. It was then declared “genius” by all on Earth.

 

  • English football manager Harry Redknapp, not long away from a spell with Queens Park Rangers that saw the club relocate to Calais before plummeting into bankruptcy and protracted court battles, decided to turn his back on the business that had made his name. Realising that the game was awash with nefarious characters, money-hungry fools and starry-eyed morons, Redknapp realised he could soon use this knowledge of the worst of society and apply it quickly to the music biz. Almost at once he found an in; a newly-reformed Oasis needed a strong and experienced intermediary to contain the perpetually-warring Gallagher brothers. From his car window, Redknapp talked up his new charges: “‘triffic boys, Oasis, always loved ‘em. Yeah so Liam’s had a fatwa put on him after a succession of awful haircuts, but it’s a blip.” Fans of the original Oasis were up in arms after the Gallaghers were quickly replaced by Jermain Defoe and Peter Crouch.

Although they were perhaps the two biggest stories of the year, there were little tidbits elsewhere. Gary Numan, author of 80s hit “Cars”, turned his efforts towards environmental conservation after a drunken bout of guilt made him realise that the amount of greenhouse gases in the Earth’s atmosphere may have accelerated rapidly thanks to his loving ode to the automobile.

Finally, North Korean rap group Gin & Juche were in the headlines repeatedly for the wild European tour. The Pyongyang collective, famous for their state-edited (i.e. totally censored) lyrics were seen partying the nights away; eating, drinking and laughing without fear of being raped and murdered. Until they got to London, that is. Despite the language barrier and lyrical problems (all live performances are bleeped over in accordance with North Korean statute) this six-strong group have a bright, censored future ahead of them.

…and now you know what to expect. Don’t say you weren’t warned.





Willie
01.08.13
Looking forward to it.

foxblood
01.08.13
what am i reading

HSThomas
01.08.13
A staff's attempt at being funny and failing miserably.

Irving
01.08.13
Looking forward to it. [2]

theacademy
01.08.13
he's not trying to be funny this is just jviney.

dry, unfunny british "humour" is who he is.

Yazz_Flute
01.08.13
I liked it you guys.








Iluvatar
01.08.13
itt: people reading this like its supposed to be a Conan sketch

MisterTornado
01.08.13
Thought I was reading VICE for a second

LocustGrove
01.08.13
Oh this so hilarious hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Nah this is lame.

johnnydeking29
01.08.13
Are you sure John Cruz is no longer staff?

thumbcrusher
01.08.13
Jermaine Defoe should play more for England

KjSwantko
01.08.13
The hell did I just read?

Sirob
01.08.13
"Jermaine Defoe should play more for England"

yes he should

slipnslide
01.08.13
hiliarious[19]

omnipanzer
01.08.13
I wasn't warned, sufficiently.

Sanders
01.08.13
"Come the new year, come a new way to fleece your audience; the BBC’s Sound of collection is heavily plagiarised as writer’s pokerface us and say “Hey, we knew about this lot all along!”"

Ha yup

sixdegrees
01.08.13
staff humor

DaveyBoy
01.08.13
Crouchy in Oasis. Sounds like a winner to me. Then again, the praying mantis doing anything is guaranteed entertainment.

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/peter-crouch-can-do-anything/photos


Aids
01.08.13
this is mildly humorous, as intended. most people itt are really stupid I guess?

anyway, nice post Viney

wabbit
01.09.13
this is awesome.




Chortles
01.09.13
lol

Satellite
01.09.13
"Finally, North Korean rap group Gin & Juche"

haha

Trebor.
01.09.13
Our culture tends to shit on people who legitimately care about things or try
Great write up

Omaha
01.09.13
This technology you mention is why I write for Sputnik!

Recspecs
01.09.13
"Fans of the original Oasis were up in arms after the Gallaghers were quickly replaced by Jermain Defoe and Peter Crouch."

I lol'd.

blastOFFitsPARTYtime
01.09.13
Better than Yank humour. And yes, it's spelt "humour".

NightmareCinema16
01.09.13
I still kind've wonder what happened to Desolation and Cruz. They were taken off the Emeritus list.

Captain North
01.09.13
I liked it. But then I'm not Americahn.

TheFonz123
01.09.13
I actually really enjoyed this. Then again I have a very dry sense of humor

TheFonz123
01.09.13
You're right *humour*. Dry humour>>>other humour

blastOFFitsPARTYtime
01.10.13
agreed. The Fonz be with you.

AliW1993
01.10.13
American humour is shite, I'll take Harry Redknapp jokes any day.

benkim
01.10.13
The Crouch-Defoe joke made me laugh.

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