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Do you want to know why I’m starting to believe that 2012 is the end of the world? Because it has to be. Hell, at this point I hope it’s sooner. Consider this a small sign of the apocalypse: a couple of weeks ago, Billboard announced Nickelback’s Dark Horse as the best selling hard rock album of 2010. Dark Horse is a terrible album by an awful band, an album so bad that it relies on idiomatic blanket statements to emphasize just how bland it is. It’s like listening to dry paint. Paint which is dry because Dark Horse came out in 2008 and yet here we are, with 2010 coming to a close and listeners still finding new ways to avoid the heap-shit that is Nickelback’s sixth album.

I found this online. Isn't the world a depressing place to live?

That’s where Fred Durst comes in. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll be the hump that breaks the [dark] horse’s back. Then maybe, just maybe, we can take Dark Horse behind the shed and shoot it one, two, three times in the fucking head. Limp Bizkit has the chance to save hard rock, but for that to happen, and for Durst & co. to make my weirdest dreams come true, they’ll actually have to release Gold Cobra, their first release in a decade with their original line up. The problem is, I’m starting to think it’ll never come out.

For a lot of early-to-mid 20-somethings, Limp Bizkit represents the point where the fulcrum separating nostalgia and irony breaks into honest-to-blog admiration. For all their goonish aping, there’s an undeniable charm to the L-I-M-P’s first 1-2-3 records. Amidst Fred Durst’s struggle with how to irritate in as many different voices as possible there were some surprisingly strong melodies to be found in their music. No, seriously. While Wes Bordland has never been good at guitar, regardless of what people say, Bizkit’s always boasted one hell of a riddim section. John Otto was metronomic-if-basic but Sam Rivers played his bass so well I once saw his frets catch fire. Either that or they lit up. Still, he’s good. Since the band hasn’t been relevant for close to a decade, just enough time passed for us yuppie-hipster-indie-ironists to appreciate them on a more honest level—as a recollection of hard rock’s simpler times. A time when popularity came with Yankee caps and JNCO jeans. A time that’s since been replaced by an endless stream of Chad Kroeger influenced douchebags singing or moaning or whatever it is they do about fucking strippers on drugs while watching professional wrestling.

What I’m getting at is that against all logic, Limp Bizkit’s stuff has aged pretty gracefully, which is my way of saying that while it’s just as silly as it was ten years ago, we can appreciate their excess on another level. I don’t sympathize with their “fuck this fucking shit” attitude (anymore), but it makes for a goofy compliment to the occasionally solid groove. Even while I realize they were never all that great in the first place, they’re sure as shit better than what we’re stuck with now. Now Limp Bizkit hits me in a place that cruises between nostalgia and irony, just a shade short of a terrible moustache and a level above Orgy. Remember those guys? So when Fred Durst finished vocals for Gold Cobra back in April, I paid attention. When he started tweeting samples from the new songs, I listened. It was definitely Limp Bizkit—still kind of terrible, I can’t argue that, but as irritatingly groovy as ever. One tweet was a video of Durst driving around listening to “Shark Attack”, a would be lead-single for the album if it ever comes out. Calling “Shark Attack” a re-write of “Break Stuff” isn’t far from the truth, but “Break Stuff” is a pretty catchy tune. As similar as the chord progressions are, the clincher comes just a few seconds in as Durst starts the track telling us that it’s just one of those days; not one where you don’t want to wake up, but one of those days that feels like a shovel, because as he puts it, there’s “a whole lot of shit in the way”. Even still, one can assume everything is by all accounts still fucked. By no means a poet, I’ll take Durst’s terrible metaphors over Kroegers “get drunk every night start a fight” bullshit two hundred times out of ten. My dislike for Nickelback defies mathematical logic.

So, then, what’s the point of all this? It’s simple, really. Limp Bizkit have the chance to save what they popularized. Gold Cobra was slated for a ’summer 2010′ release and it could have dethroned the shame of Canada as the kings of hard rock. This didn’t happen. Durst finished recording vocals for Gold Cobra in April. Eight months and several song-leaks later, Gold Cobra still doesn’t have a release date. It has a cover, though, and it’s bloody hilarious. Picture this: a naked woman lying on her back on a solid gold cobra whose ears are filled with speakers. You couldn’t make this up if you tried. If you tried and did then congratulations, you’re in Limp Bizkit. Now please release the fucking album already.

Gold Cobra will probably not be very good. Still, it could be the most important album release of the 21st Century.

Fred Durst and his band of misfits—not to be confused with that band, the Misfits—could have saved hard rock from a guy who sucks his own dick. Maybe they still can. No, it’s probably not a genre worth saving, but for the sake of anyone who’s ever been to a hockey game or caught in a sports bar, Limp Bizkit have the chance to make our stays tolerable, or kitschy and fun at the very least. Nobody expects Gold Cobra to revolutionize the genre because Hard Rock is unsalvegeable. It’s the stagnant stop-gap between alt rock and heavy metal, two genres that kind of suck in their own right. It’s the paper towel we use when we forget to buy toilet paper. Limp Bizkit might not be cashmere blend, but they’re the Sponge Towel of the music world—not ideal, but probably still better than the alternative. Nickelback? Nickelback is the sock you’ve been wearing for 8 straight hours. Ew, right?

I don’t know when Gold Cobra is going to come out. I wish I did. Let’s just hope it’s soon. There will always be a market for so-bad-it’s-good irony and for schlocky nostalgia, and Limp Bizkit check every box on the list. Put the album out, Fred. Save us from Nickelback. Linkin Park can’t cut it anymore: they’ve gone and ‘matured’ on us, which is a nice way of saying they’re old and boring now. Plus “The Catalyst” was just an awful single. I mean, really. It’s like a P.O.D. b-side recorded with Super Metroid playing in the background. Limp Bizkit, you’re ten years removed from your last album that mattered. You know, the one about buttholes. Let’s bring that magic back. Hard rock is yours to save, guys. Please hurry.





Tyler
01.06.11
I took out a line I'd written that went "Chad Kroeger, I'll burn your fucking house down" because I figured it might be a little overboard. I'm not sure though.

AliW1993
01.06.11
[quote]Fred Durst and his band of misfits—not to be confused with that band, the Misfits—could have saved hard rock from a guy who sucks his own dick.[/quote]

[quote]Gold Cobra will probably not be very good. Still, it could be the most important album release of the 21st Century.[/quote]

These both made me laugh so hard.


Great blog, I actually agree with everything you said. I've definitely got a soft spot for Limp Bizkit, they're one of those rare bands who are so bad they're good.

Kris.
01.06.11
i took the time to read this so hopefully i'm not too late
inb4 counterfeit

Counterfeit
01.06.11
YES.
FUCKING YES.

Crysis
01.06.11
Awesome blog Tyler.

"Then maybe, just maybe, we can take Dark Horse behind the shed and shoot it one, two, three times in the fucking head."

fr33convict
01.06.11
lol

Thor
01.06.11
oh so now it's cool to like limp bizkit

Kris.
01.06.11
nah only feit likes limp bizkit

Inveigh
01.06.11
this is one of my favorite staff blog postings in a long time. epic shit.

Counterfeit
01.06.11
Best blog post ever.

fr33convict
01.06.11
OF ALL TIME.

Josh D.
01.06.11
JNCO Jeans, lol.

This is a good read.

"A chainsaw, WHAT"

BallsToTheWall
01.06.11
i REMEMBER JNCO JEANS. gOOD TIMES.

foreverendeared
01.06.11
back when corduroy pants were cool

Counterfeit
01.06.11
Kris everyone likes Limp Bizkit stfu.

Kris.
01.06.11
LOL JK GUYS I LOVE THE BIZKIT FRED DURST IS MY DAWG

BallsToTheWall
01.06.11
I still see corduroy pants at stores to this day. I regret not buying them though.

Counterfeit
01.06.11
We don't speak in all caps.

fr33convict
01.06.11
"Kris everyone likes Limp Bizkit stfu."

They do?

Tyler
01.06.11
It's not necessarily a matter of liking Limp BIzikt, it's about appreciating them as a fun band who never wrote a WWE theme song.

Tyler
01.06.11
Limp Blzikt good job Tyler.

Maniac!
01.06.11
This is one of the few entertaining blog posts I've read.

bloc
01.06.11
Can't wait for Gold Cobra

Deathcar
01.06.11
Epic win. "Alright partna', you know what time it is..."

Gold Cobra time.

Counterfeit
01.06.11
it's about appreciating them as a fun band
it's about appreciating them as a fun band
it's about appreciating them as a fun band
it's about appreciating them as a fun band
it's about appreciating them as a fun band
it's about appreciating them as a fun band


ConsiderPhlebas
01.06.11
People caring about album charts so much they're desperate for new Limp Bizkit. The end is indeed nigh.

Tyler
01.06.11
It's got more to do with saturation than it does actual charts. If Nickelback had a 2010 album on top, I'd care, but a hell of a lot less. Dark Horse came out two fucking years ago and it's still dominating. In Canada, that makes it twice as inescapable as it is everywhere else.

foreverendeared
01.06.11
"Nickelback? Nickelback is the sock you’ve been wearing for 8 straight hours. Ew, right?"

8 straight days maybe?

Tyler
01.06.11
who wears a sock for 8 straight days you're gross

Counterfeit
01.06.11
Phleb, is it the end? Or is it a new beginning?

foreverendeared
01.06.11
"who wears a sock for 8 straight days you're gross"

exactly. What's gross about wearing a sock for 8 hours? Unless you're running in it or it's 100degrees outside.

Ire
01.06.11
this is awesome

ConsiderPhlebas
01.06.11
It's one big end, Feit

EVedder27
01.06.11
thoroughly enjoyed this

DaveyBoy
01.06.11
So Tyson, do you like Nickelback? Hehe. Great read mate. You hit one out of the park here.

BUT WWE have used a few Limp Bizkit songs (Rollin', My Way, etc...). Granted, they were never specifically written for them, but that's much of a muchness.

Counterfeit
01.06.11
Dammit, man.

DaveyBoy
01.06.11
Can't believe I just called you Tyson... Must have been thinking of WrestleMania 14.

bloc
01.06.11
My Way is easily my favourite LB song.

Counterfeit
01.06.11
Nookie is their best song.
Fact.

FromDaHood
01.06.11
Nookie is still a weekly listen 5 years later

Tyler
01.06.11
Do you know where you are?

Irving
01.06.11
Hahahaha this was amazing XD

Metalstyles
01.06.11
"Linkin Park can’t cut it anymore: they’ve gone and ‘matured’ on us, which is a nice way of saying they’re old and boring now. Plus “The Catalyst” was just an awful single. I mean, really. It’s like a P.O.D. b-side recorded with Super Metroid playing in the background."

Sooo what you're saying is that even if Limp Bizkit fails we can still hope P.O.D. will save us? Because I'd be totally fine with that, P.O.D. is great and I don't care what anyone says.

Great blog post, one of the best this blog has seen for sure.

Transient
01.06.11
I love you, Tyler.

Electric City
01.06.11
blog makes me think a limp bizkit album might be important, making it one of the most convincing, affecting blogs i've ever read

Jom
01.07.11
Great write-up. The album is, of course, going to be bloody atrocious, but it's going to have 2-3 songs that will be actually pretty badass. Or so I hope.

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Jom I would make some distasteful comments but I don't wanna get banned sooooooooooooo.
I do not agree with you.

foreverendeared
01.07.11
Yeah Jom is wrong, it will have ZERO songs that are actually pretty badass. ZINGGGGG

Kris.
01.07.11
gold cobras gonna be aoty behind btmi! you guys dont even know

Counterfeit
01.07.11
I've never felt so close to you.

BassDemon333
01.07.11
I never thought I would want a Limp Bizkit album to come out so bad but damn.....I WANT Gold Cobra.

Tyler
01.07.11
Limp Bizkit can always be counted on for at least a couple solid grooves. They've written shit that's catchier than syphilis.

whywontyoudie
01.07.11
this is just great.

crowing51
01.07.11
This was a very lol worthy read. This has just made me stoked for the album now for reasons I can not explain.

Captain Civic
01.07.11
Limp Biskit were cool back in the day, but after that album with Fred's face in green came out they were shit. Still, it's nice to dream that Nookie or Hot Dog Flavoured Water will resurface in their new stuff.

Tyler
01.07.11
click the shark attack link

Captain Civic
01.07.11
I would if I wasn't at work.

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Dude, go listen to Why Try it's way better then Shark Attack.

Tyler
01.07.11
i have listened to them all

Spec
01.07.11
Still don't care. I don't listen to the radio or watch MTV anyway.

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Was telling Captain Civic.

Kris.
01.07.11
feit whens gold cobra comin out

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Wait, Tyler, have you heard the demos too? Some rockin shit on there.

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Dude I don't know just because I'm friends with Fred on Facebook doesn't mean I know.

Kris.
01.07.11
well ask him you homo

Satellite
01.07.11
hilarious read.

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Dude do you know how many dipshits ask him that stuff man I'm not gonna be one of those dipshits.

Kris.
01.07.11
be one of those dipshits

FromDaHood
01.07.11
Remember when he said he leaked Gold Cobra but didn't?

Counterfeit
01.07.11
That was shit Hood don't even bring that up gonna cock slap him.
Kris go add him then be a dipshit and ask I don't wanna man remember when he posted on my wall I don't like want him to resent me come on man.

Aids
01.07.11
I would rather listen to Limp Bizkit than Nickelback, and I really really really don't like Limp Bizkit

theacademy
01.07.11
the irony-nostalgia line was a killer the first time around, but died a little when you brought it back.

still, this was a great read

hope u got the internship

theacademy
01.07.11
RT @freddurst Who knows Wes from puddle of mudd? I wanna connect w him again. Let me know.

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Sent to Fred Durst so he can read it.

Kris.
01.07.11
fucking yes hope he does read it if so gonna be epic as fuck

theacademy
01.07.11
haha i sent it minutes ago

and he once PM'd me so i sent it to his inbox

Counterfeit
01.07.11
dude, he posted on my wall once tellin me im funny.
siqq shit.

Kris.
01.07.11
i saw it true story

bloc
01.07.11
It wasn't him

theacademy
01.07.11
screen cap or gtfo

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Yes it was bloc you don't even know. MAYBE if you liked LB on fb you'd have seen him talking about the profile being his but yer dumb and need to look good for yer hipster friends fgt

bloc
01.07.11
Haha, I have struck a nerve with this one.

Counterfeit
01.07.11
it was a while back so it may take a while to find but his moniker on fb is "poler bear"
not lyin dont care if you dont believe me.


theacademy
01.07.11
BLOC AND HIS HIPSTER FRIENDS

theacademy
01.07.11
dont bother urself feit i believe u

Kris.
01.07.11
bloc ima hipster why arent we friends on fb yet =(

Counterfeit
01.07.11
things got awkward.
already in your shoutbox. haha

Scoot
01.07.11
chad kroeger's dad forgot to wear a condom

Captain North
01.07.11
I've always kinda liked Limp Bizkit...Boiler is a great song and their early stuff, yeah, the rhythm section was actually really fucking good.

theacademy
01.07.11
http://bit.ly/h4BEqy

Kris.
01.07.11
boom roasted

Emim
01.07.11
"Sooo what you're saying is that even if Limp Bizkit fails we can still hope P.O.D. will save us? Because I'd be totally fine with that, P.O.D. is great and I don't care what anyone says."

This is why I love you, styles. I think P.O.D. has an album coming out this year. What I've heard sounded promising.

And this is an awesome writeup, the "sucks his own dick" part made me laugh considerably. Kudos, sir.

Emim
01.07.11
"dude, he posted on my wall once tellin me im funny.
siqq shit."

I too witnessed this.

Grignard
01.07.11
^ agreed

Captain North
01.07.11
I also appear to be a raging hypocrite.

But Black Light Burns is WAAAAY better than LB.

Duderino
01.07.11
posters thinking its now ok to like limp bizkt itt

omnipanzer
01.07.11
Maybe they'll box...

Defeater
01.07.11
holy shit tyler awesome read

bloc
01.07.11
Black Light Burns is beyond awful man

Meatplow
01.07.11
lol'd hard at this great one tyler

Dogget
01.07.11
best blog ever.

Titan50
01.07.11
[quote]Linkin Park can’t cut it anymore: they’ve gone and ‘matured’ on us, which is a nice way of saying they’re old and boring now. [/quote]

Or evolved into a better, boundary-pushing and, yes, mature band

A Thousand Suns was one of the best and most important releases of last year, and if you don't realise then suck my dick

Tyler
01.07.11
Unzipped, I guess

Counterfeit
01.07.11
lol black light burns
2.5/5

Yazz_Flute
01.07.11
excellent

chesse13
01.07.11
;lol i love this

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Fred still hasn't responded to his thoughts on this write-up.

ShadowRemains
01.07.11
inb4 feit jizzes all over this














oh wait who am i kidding? 110 comments and i expected feit wouldn't be here now?

Counterfeit
01.07.11
Yeah seriously come on man.

ultradevilgod
01.08.11
hahaha! whatever...comeback of rap metal in 2011-2020?

Counterfeit
01.08.11
Gonna start wearing my Adidas track suit again.

Ayon
01.08.11
Fuck, this thread delivers. I nearly cried when Davey called you "Tyson" and realized his mistake.
+ The (hopefully) facetious defense of Linkin Park. Not to mention a hilarious write-up which includes Chad Kroeger sucking his own dick. Best start of a new year ever!

2muchket!
01.08.11
JOHN OTTO TAKE IT TO THE MATTHEWS BRIDGE

Wolfhorde
01.08.11
Gotta agree with Ayon. Pissed myself readin' this.

Rev
01.09.11
ONE MORE SUCKA KROEGER GONNA FRY

TheFunkyRabbit
01.11.11
Gold Cobra will be epic!

eyedea420
01.11.11
9 Teen 90 Nine FOE LIFE!

Counterf3it
01.11.11
BUT AS THE AUDIENCE GROWS
SECURITY KNOWS
STOPPIN ME NOW IS KINDA SERIOUS

eyedea420
01.11.11
i still remember all the taggers in my school sketching the significant other album cover

Counterf3it
01.11.11
legit shit right there

jrowa001
01.12.11
damn now i want to go listen to LB

Tyler
03.23.11
June 7.

It's happening.

Ire
03.23.11
we have a chance...

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