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You could say I had an interesting Saturday night. I’d say it was one for the ages.

warning: what you are about to read does get a little graphic.

So I was visiting a friend in Hamilton, a shit-smelly city situated about 45 minutes Southwest of Toronto. The night started out pretty dull, actually, consisting of us sitting around watching Saved by the Bell episodes, sometimes with the commentary on, and eating soggy homemade ravioli. I don’t think we could ever imagine how the night would end just a few hours later.

After briefly deliberating, then wisely declining the prospect of going to a cougar bar, we wandered around downtown Hamilton for a few minutes. On our way, I met a homeless man who was really interested in Winter Solstice conspiracy theories and loved yelling at taxi cabs parked in crosswalks. Eventually, one of my friends pointed out a nearby bar, “Doors” I think it was called. He said the bartender was named Tyler, to which I vaguely remember saying, “hey, that’s my name”.

Cool story bro, right?

Then he goes on to tell me that the bar is known for having some weird goings-on. That and it’s often blasting Scandinavian metal. Against my better judgement, I started running. I never run. I wish I hadn’t. Walking inside, I didn’t hear Scandinavian metal. No, instead I saw a guy and girl duo on the turntables and MPC, a scruffy tall white guy rapping and someone dancing pretty aggressively in a bear costume. Looking to my right, I saw a bottle of Faygo on the edge of the bar. It seems we’d somehow found ourselves at a Juggalo Christmas party.

I whispered to a friend standing to my left, “are these guys serious?” to which he replied, “extremely.”

“I’d better shut up then,” I replied.

The music carried on. The performers went by P.O.E, which a friend tells me stands for Politically Organized Entity. Against all odds, they weren’t bad. Kind of good, actually. The guy had one song about losing a poetry battle to a rape victim, with a line that went something like this, “I’m really sorry for what happened to you, but your poetry sucks.” I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

This is about the time things started to get weird. Out of nowhere, a short dude wearing an entirely leather outfit (other than the doo-rag he was inexplicably wearing under his leather cowboy hat) started dancing with the person in the bear suit. I went to the washroom and when I came back about a minute later, that same leather-clad short guy was now holding a sledgehammer. The bartender leaned over and told me, “just wait, he’s going to staple his balls to the wall later”.

“Juggalo Christmas,” I remember saying.

The short guy proceeded to walk to the second floor of the bar. Naturally my friends and I followed. We got up there to see that a small crowd had formed, encircling the short dude who was now shirtless. He called for our attention. This is when it started to get weird. He proceeded to tell us, all the while adjusting the doo-rag he was still inexplicably wearing, that he was going to do something unique for us all. He asked if anyone in the room had a $5 bill, saying that if they did, he’d let them staple it to his chest. 60 seconds later, Voodoo Ray—as we’d quickly learn to be his alias—had blue money draped on each side of his chest, staple-gunned in place by two willing onlookers of this increasingly weird fiasco.

I said it again. “Juggalo Christmas”.

Voodoo Ray proceed to dump a box full of broken glass and beer bottles on the ground. As chants of “Fucked up shit!” started to carry throughout the room, Voodoo Ray took his shoes off and began jumping on the shards. It wasn’t fake, I’ll tell you that much. There was blood everywhere.

Then he laid down on the broken glass. Someone proceeded to stand on him. More blood. And to make matters even weirder, Dream Theater’s “Dance of Eternity” was playing in the background. Downstairs, an empty bar was filled with the sounds of rapping clowns and the sight of an unopened bottle of Faygo Redpop. Upstairs, a short, shirtless white man in his 40s wearing a doo-rag peeled broken glass and staples out from his chest to one of the sillier keyboard solos I’ve heard.

Juggalo Christmas.

Then it was time for the grand finale. If the bartender was right, Voodoo Ray was about to staple his balls to the wall.

The bartender was wrong.

What I was about to see would prove much more traumatizing.

A night that started off watching the rise-and-fall of Zack Attack ended with Voodoo Ray asking a shockingly willing girl in the room to nail his foreskin to a piece of plywood. To make thing worse, once hammered in place he did a little spin and a pose. His mouth was bleeding for some reason. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and his doo-rag was still tied nicely in place. And his dick was nailed to a piece of plywood.

There are some things you can never unsee.

Juggalo Christmas. Never, ever again.





Tyler
12.21.10
to make things worse, we'd spent a good chunk of time laughing at Antony of the Johnsons videos (mostly just Antony's hilarious vibrato), so there was weird duality in my mind for the rest of the night. I had the image of a short guy nailing his dong to some wood stuck in my head with the sounds of a fat man singing about wanting to become a fat woman.

crazyblinddude
12.21.10
Uhh... holy shit.

Athom
12.21.10
HAHAHA! i was busting up to your tweets that night.

Deviant.
12.21.10
Pics or it didn't happen

ButcheredChildren
12.21.10
that's pretty funny

Romulus
12.21.10
what

robertsona
12.22.10
what

Tyler
12.22.10
I didn't take pictures. Are you crazy? It was repulsive! Plus everyone there seemed at least a little bit retarded.

ButcheredChildren
12.22.10
pictures would have been nice

thebhoy
12.22.10
this is why people go to Hess Village I guess

Aids
12.22.10
"And to make matters even weirder, Dream Theater’s “Dance of Eternity” was playing in the background. "

Best line in this write-up. More to the point, my God that is one fucked up story. Only in Hamilton.

Urinetrouble
12.22.10
best blog post on sputnik ever

TheStarclassicTreatment
12.22.10
This sounds hot.

Eclectic
12.22.10
Woh, that's gotta be worthy of a Honourable Mention in the Darwin Awards.

Ire
12.22.10
i came

North0House
12.22.10
Holy crap, sounds weird. I will never comprehend such odd people.


pizzamachine
12.22.10
"And his dick was nailed to a piece of plywood."

wwhhhyyyyyyyy

DeafMetal
12.22.10
Hey I go by the name Voodoo Ray too.

BallsToTheWall
12.22.10
GG Allen would have been so proud of this young man.

tombits
12.22.10
lolwut

North0House
12.22.10
Why not?

FelixCulpa
12.22.10
Wow, juggalos are batshit insane.

couldwinarabbit
12.22.10
description of hamilton is spot on.

Acanthus
12.22.10
Nothing could have prepared me for this, not even the title. Kudos sir for one random night indeed!

Acre
12.22.10
I had my first encounter with legitimate juggalos on a train about a month ago. They were a collection of boys and girls ranging from 13-16 who spent their entire duration on the train making the seagull "MINE!" noise from Finding Nemo at the top of their lungs, completely oblivious to the incredulity and hostility the rest of the train was offering them. I would charitably describe them as the most annoying collection of assholes I've ever met.

Apparently I just got lucky to not run into the juggalos you just described. Excellent front-line reporting, good sir.

iisblackstar
12.22.10
haha great blog post

omnipanzer
12.22.10
Holy God!

haha great blog post[2]

Josh D.
12.22.10
Should have partied at Mohawk College.

qwe3
12.22.10
best blog ever

ConsiderPhlebas
12.22.10
These guys know how to party

Josh D.
12.22.10
So I take it that the relative normalcy of Tyler and his friend didn't draw attention. I mean, I don't expect people to look away from dick hammering much, but other than that.

Yazz_Flute
12.22.10
I'm laughing like a retard and clutching my dick in pain simultaneously.

krig9412
12.22.10
While this story was incredibly fucked up, I have to ask..

Why didn't you just leave when you saw the guy dancing in the bear costume? Or with the glass? Why did you wait to the bitter end...

Josh D.
12.22.10
When you see dicks and hammers, you stick around.

Josh D.
12.22.10
My bad.

spillingmercury
12.22.10
Is juggalo a term you apply to anyone borderline/completely mentally retarded, and takes a great deal of care to show the world how much so?

Athom
12.22.10
as long as they listen to ICP yes.

Tyler
12.22.10
I stayed when the guy was dancing in the bear costume because it was kind of cool and weird. I stayed when he started stapling things to himself because I was drunk, and you can't just turn away from things like that.

And yes, Juggalo might as well be a blanket term for someone who's borderline retarded, be it socially or mentally, but it applies to the fans of the wicked clowns and the great milenko and all the other nicknames I heard that night.

I luckily didn't see the nail go right into his thing. I was side-back behind him, so I saw the girl swing the hammer (she really swung it) and a bit of impact but I thought I'd gotten off without too much of a visual. Then he turned around.

eternium
12.22.10
wat

eternium
12.22.10
Dude, read it. Seriously.

Josh D.
12.22.10
Much mother fucking wicked clown love, yo.

SmurkinGherkin
12.22.10
i don't even

what

Poet
12.22.10
What the fuck Tyler....

Tyler
12.22.10
You guys are uncomfortable reading it. Just imagine being there.

razedtotheground
12.22.10
sounds like an interesting night

FromDaHood
12.22.10
Voodoo Ray is my new role model

BrahTheSunGod
12.22.10
Not enough alcohol in the world to sustain me through an experience like that. Props, ugh

Jim
12.22.10
sounded like a shindig and a half

i knew a juggalo who killed another juggalo with an axe in his sleep

ShadowRemains
12.22.10
rofl, this...is...i'm sorry what?

DeafMetal
12.22.10
ICP rules wtf.

nicolauz
12.22.10
AND IT WAS THE GREATEST CHIRSTMAS EVER.

TMobotron
12.22.10
LOL. cant believe people are acting like they wouldnt stay. Stories like this wouldnt exist if people didnt stick around when they see people in bear costumes. This is the shit I would love to see on a drunken night just to be able to say it happened.

Also add one to the lol counter for "And to make matters even weirder, Dream Theater’s “Dance of Eternity” was playing in the background."

natey
12.22.10
juggalos party real

Mordecai.
12.22.10
even wants to know the answer, so i'm just going to ask the question:

did you fuck the girl with the sledgehammer???

witchxrapist
12.22.10
I... I was the one in the bear costume.

Tyler
12.22.10
Dude it was a guy with the sledgehammer. And though there were a few women there, I would under no circumstances have gone near them, let alone anything more.

witchxrapist
12.22.10
What kind of dancing was the bear guy doing?

Tyler
12.22.10
The bear was dancing like, uh, I donno? Aggressive dancing you'd see at a trance bar?


witchxrapist
12.22.10
ive never been to a trance bar

Gmork89
12.22.10
Best thing I have ever read.

Josh D.
12.22.10
Trans bar.

Tyler
12.22.10
idk then mappy, like, regular dancing.

HallucinogeNick
12.23.10
I say we should get a huge group of Sputnikers together and all go to The Gathering of the Juggalos next year for observation purposes/people watching/lolz.

Who's in?

Tyler
12.23.10
Not me.

Josh D.
12.23.10
I'd rather hammer my dick to a board.

iisblackstar
12.23.10
id rather you nail your dick to my face

iisblackstar
12.23.10
id rather you nail your dick to my face

SHOUTATTHEDEVIL
12.24.10
Juggalos are the coolest people on the Earth, and Juggalettes are sexy as hell....

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=131175&id=213424199350

Kris.
12.24.10
if you find clown makeup to be attractive then
well
lol

Motiv3
12.24.10
holy fucking shit hahaha that is some fucked up shit.

BallsToTheWall
12.24.10
My brother knew a Juggalettes once. She had mental problems. Who would have known?

fr33convict
12.24.10
best blog post on sputnik ever[2]

Marimbaboy4
12.29.10
Honestly Nick? Yes, yes I am in. Who doesn't want to see a Juggalo nail his cockmeat to a piece of plywood?

Wait wut

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