So tonight was my first night online after going two weeks without the Internet. I discovered that Gary Coleman died and then promptly forgot about that when I found out that Hayley Williams’ boobs had finally shown up online. It is saddening that Gary Coleman will never get the chance to see them.
Anyway, I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. So long, in fact, that I was beginning to think it would never happen. Hayley Williams seemed unlikely to ever show up nude on the Internet, which is exactly the reason why I assumed she would eventually show up nude on the Internet. But after Riot! was released and Paramore’s popularity spiked with nary a sight of Hayley’s nipples, I began to lose hope. I shouldn’t have worried though; the Internet always comes through for us in the end.
The picture itself is lackluster if we’re being honest. The angle is horrible; it makes her breasts look small(er) because they’re flattened, and what’s up with that lighting? It makes her look as if she’s a tween impersonating Hayley Williams rather than the real deal. Also, her nose is really shiny. And I don’t really like red lipstick.
I’m assuming that there were other nude pictures to choose from, so why did the hacker (if that’s truly what happened) pick that one? Did Hayley offend him or her in some way? Is this picture revenge, not only because it is potentially humiliating for a supposedly Christian Tennessee-native girl but also because it’s a bad picture? I mean come on, she’s not even smiling! Is that her sexy look? It needs some work if it is. She looks like she just woke up from a nap, all bleary-eyed and ready for a Swiss cake roll or something. I know I should simply be grateful for the fact that the picture showed up in the first place, but I can’t see even the biggest Paramore fan being turned on by that picture.
Anyway I don’t see the big deal about nude pictures. I guess I wouldn’t be thrilled about my naked body showing up on the Internet, but who really cares? Hayley should be flattered! The series of tubes has heaved a satisfied sigh and can now sleep soundly at night with the knowledge that her boobs are stored safely inside its vast network. Besides, the days of everyone freaking out about nude pictures are pretty much over. They’re just another part of Internet life now. My point is, call me when the Hayley Williams sex tape surfaces. For now, let’s all place bets on which male member of Paramore leaked the picture. I’m betting it was Josh.
In other news, there’s apparently a new William Control album out. Hayley’s comforting mammary glands came just in time to shield me from wiL’s death rays of musical integrity.