I wanted the title of my column to be something awesome like Burt’s Bits or Taylor Talk but I have a weird name and “plan” is the only relevant word that rhymes with Chan.
Anyway, the other day I saw Paranormal Activity for the first time. Marketed by many as one of the scariest movies of all time, I was pretty disappointed. However, it did fill my head with a bunch of interesting thoughts, many of them so tangential that I couldn’t remember how I got from Point A to Point F or whatever. Mostly I was distracted by thoughts of how awesome the movie would be if it was told from the demon’s perspective. Imagine you’ve just died and suddenly you’re a badass demon living in hell. You’re psyched, you’re ready to fuck shit up. You get a message from the Colonel of the Demonic Legion saying that he wishes to speak with you. You’re excited as hell. You start mentally preparing for Armageddon. When you reach his office, he gives you your first assignment: squat in the house of a young engaged couple and scare the living shit out of them, with the eventual goal of possessing one of them or killing them both. Sounds good, right? But then he gives you some limitations. You can’t just go in there and pinch their grape heads in your claws. You’ve got to have finesse. You’ve got to…make only one scary noise a night and then spend the rest of your days sitting in the corner waiting for night to fall.
Damn, being a demon will hopefully be cooler than that.
However, I then thought that those restrictions could be pretty fun if you were in the right house. For example, if you were in Don and Ryan Clark from Demon Hunters’ house. It’d be great to throw a shelf at them or something while they were hard at work designing the next Norma Jean album cover. Or systematically detuning all of their guitars over the period of a few nights so that a week later you hear them say, “Damn, we sound just like KoRn.” The kicker, though, would be if you morphed yourself to have the Demon Hunter logo as your head so that it would be the last thing they saw before you dismembered them. Of course, I guess there’s always the possibility that they’ve got a secret Demon Hunter laboratory somewhere in which they store all of their demon hunting equipment. You never know.
What would you guys do if you were a demon in Demon Hunter’s house?
Oh yeah, and if demons really do feed off of negative energy, you’d be totally fucked if you were assigned DaveyBoy’s house.