Review Summary: Permission denied.
A KISS Away: Peter Criss Solo – Part Two
On 13 March 2010, the Supreme Court of Rock’n’Roll ruled the case of Criss vs the State. The defendant, Peter Criss, faced charges of excessive cheese and sub-par songwriting. Honorable Judge Pedro B. presided the trial. What follows is a transcript of the session).
Judge Pedro:Please be seated. We are here today to rule the case of Peter Criss vs the State of Rock’n’Roll, as instated by Mr. Chaim Witz in October of 1999. Is the defence ready to argue its case?
Defence Attorney Gene Klein: Your Honor, we wish to present Exhibit A, an audio copy of Mr. Criss’s latest album
Let Me Rock You.
(plays record)
Now, you will notice right off the bat that heaviness is present. The guitar sound in particular packs more punch than anything on Mr. Criss’s last solo album, and some moments here constitute pure hard rock songs. We present as a prime example opening track
Let It Go, where the influences of the genre are well noticeable.
Furthermore, we wish to call this court’s attention to third track
Move On Over, a superb boogie which mixes more traditional influences with the defendant’s hard rock sound to create what we think is one of the standout tracks of the album. And notice, if you will, how well the chorus in
Bad Boys works – undoubtedly this is another of the best tracks on offer here! In conclusion, we wish to state that Mr. Criss’s sound has been labelled “pleasant” in more than one occasion. Furthermore, Mr. Criss is a visionary, anticipating the sound his former band would practise during the relevant decade by a margin of almost two years! We rest our case, Your Honor.
Judge Pedro: Very well. Would the Prosecution please take the bench.
Prosecution Attorney R. T. Rock: The prosecution calls to the stand Mr. Average Joe, a self-styled “rock fan” with over twenty years’ experience on the subject.
(Mr. Joe comes in)
P.A. R. T. Rock: Mr. Joe, you have listened to
Let Me Rock You, the third solo album from the defendant here present?
Average Joe (interrupting): Yeah, and it’s a piece of ***! There are too many of thum keyboards an’ too many glammy frills. This is hard rock, maaaan! You know?
Balls To The Wall, Born To Be Wild! Ain’t no space in real rock’n’roll for dumb girly backing vocals and stupid pop keyboards! I hope you’re hearing that, Criss! Catch you on the outside, you mother…
Judge Pedro (banging his gavel on the table): I will have ORDER!! Mr. Bailiff, take the witness away. Mr. Prosecutor, this didn’t help your case at all!
P.A. R. T. Rock: We’re sorry, your honor. We will move on to exhibit A, a copy of the cover of the relevant album. Notice how the defendant is not favoured in the slightest.
Judge Pedro(softly): Dear God, it’s like the lovechild of Cat Stevens and Prince!
P.A.R.T. Rock: Furthermore, we wish to present as evidence the tracks titled
Tears and
First Day In The Rain. Not only are their titles clichéd, the songs themselves are unforgivable pieces of cheese which have no place in the music world, let alone the rock world. We also wish to present the song
Some Kind Of Hurricane as evidence to back our claim of lacklustre and sub-par songwriting. Notice how the song goes nowhere and becomes gratingly pointless. This is a common trait of this album, which apart from the few standouts mentioned by the defence, and which we will grant them, is rather nondescript and even, at times, slips out of the listener’s consciousness.
To conclude our statement, we inform Your Honor that a lawsuit has been filed by the band Queen and the trustees of the late Freddie Mercury, regarding the song
Feel Like Heaven. The interested parties claim that this song is but a pale copy of Queen’s hit
Another One Bites The Dust, and we have found evidence enough to back that statement. The trustees of the late John Lennon are also seeking to file suit for alleged butchering of Lennon’s
Jealous Guy. This case is pretty well backed as well.
Judge Pedro: Very well. Final statements by the defence?
D.A. Gene Klein: …hey, but
Bad Boys is good!
P.A. R. T. Rock: Yes, but you have to wade through an incredible amount of dreck to get to it. It’s less offensive dreck than on the last album, to be sure, but it’s still dreck nonetheless. We rest our case, your honor.
Judge Pedro: We will take a recess and reconvene in 30 minutes.
(30 minutes later)
Judge Pedro: All right, has the jury reached a verdict?
Jury: Yes, Your Honor. We find the defendant guilty on all accounts, and suggest a ban on recording and releasing records of up to 12 years. We suggest parole be considered due to the less offensive nature of a few of the songs.
Judge Pedro: The defendant is hereby sentenced to 12 years without recording or releasing albums! As for permission to rock anyone, permission denied! Court adjourned!
(sounds of people leaving, speaking in hushed tones)
Recommended Tracks
Let It Go
Move On Over
Bad Boys
