Review Summary: Not even a lightsaber could make this trash cool.
The Empire Strikes Back’s obligatory soundtrack — supposedly a classic album. Is it truly superior symphonic material, or are we deceived by nostalgic emotions as we watch Vader prevail once more (as we clutch our fluffy Ewok stuffie) for the five thousandth time?
It is terrible music, from the soulless money grabbing, nostalgia abusing music makers. John Williams never had an original idea in his life, yet The London Symphony Orchestra treats his sheet music as though the very words of God himself were given to him to share with the world. However, the composition is passionless bottom-tier filth with no personality. I challenge the reader of this review to remember a single track that is not The Imperial March or the opening theme. I propose it is impossible, unless one person has watched The Empire Strikes Back their entire life. Strike one.
The Imperial March may be the only decent track, an obvious war march song that strikes an ominous tone when coupled with the presence of Vader. Then again, if the bombast were to be erased it’s simple enough to be a children’s lullaby — hardly foreboding after all. The album toots some horns, paint slaps some drums with a brush, and tickles harps, but that isn’t creative in itself, it’s actually excessive dumbness because it adds nothing. Speaking of which, Luke is an idiot. Going out in a snowstorm in the middle of nowhere may seem like a casual, fun activity while grabbing a Starbucks, but it is not. Not to mention that Vader can feel his presence and pinpoint his location from 20,000 miles away without binoculars; it’s almost like Luke should’ve stayed in a cave to hide from that asshole. Oh wait, there
was a cave but Luke opted to power walk — baffling, and he deserved to get slapped by a furry.
Musically speaking though, this isn’t good. They have a symphony but what they do with it is truly troubling. They sure know how to make stressful sounding noises, but actual melodies are missing. The music sounds more like a speeding X-Wing than actual music notes, which means even Yoda wouldn’t shake his booty to it. There’s escalating and deescalating violins, which are quite obnoxious and give me worse motion sickness than playing Golden Eye. In other words, this soundtrack is composed of terrible music which is not musical and therefore a farting composition from which to escape from.
Listen to one track on the soundtrack (I’ll wait). You will find the track not only not lovely, but also boring. This is not catchy music, the violins are faster than Sonic the Hedgehog speeding to grab a chili dog, yet they leave no impact. It’s white noise at the most, and at the least I hate this album. *** you John Williams, *** you.
